Free Condoms at Sex Week
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There they are. Your eyes lock across the crowded Cabot Aquarium, just as you swerve to keep from brushing against a sweaty football player’s bare back, nearly dropping your red Solo cup. You make your way to each other and exchange pleasantries. At this point, the party’s drawing to a close, so it’s time to head back and get down to business, right? Wrong. Harvard has been conspiring to keep you a virgin all along.

Tiny, flimsy beds

Unless you live in a luxurious single in the Quad, you’re probably forced to sleep in a narrow twin bed. It’s already small enough for one person, let alone two (or more, wink wink). And if it seems like Harvard gave you a ridiculously squeaky bed frame, chances are they did it purposefully.

Thin walls

There’s nothing worse than heading to the dhall for a hearty morning-after breakfast and having half of your House look at you knowingly. It also sucks to be on the other side of the paper-thin wall, when you can hear your suitemate’s every sound—although it is pretty fun to listen to their awkward pillow talk.

No privacy

You can never quite escape the prying eyes of that one roommate who insisted they move their bed into the common room. Plus, while other schools have RAs, Harvard decided to place actual adult tutors or proctors in every entryway, which can make for some awkward encounters.

The free condoms are a myth

Those condom dispensers in the bathrooms are forever empty. This means that you have to be optimistic about the night’s events and squeeze in a trip to CVS—where, again, you could run into pretty much anyone—at some point on Saturday afternoon.

The pickings are slim

Harvard provides us with a binary social scene: Everyone here is either a recluse or a narcissist, neither of which has much sex appeal. So, even if you’re able to overcome all the previous obstacles, you’re not guaranteed a caring, sexy partner to get it on with.

If we learned anything in Expos, it’s that evidence matters. And the evidence all points to an elaborate conspiracy on Harvard’s part. Don’t be surprised if there’s an email about this from Drew Faust herself in your inbox tomorrow morning.