Quiz: Which Harvard Spam Email Are You?

By Delano R. Franklin

While we all wish we were as exciting as emails announcing lottery winners for College Events Board events or acceptances from professors to join their research projects, like it or not, most of us are doomed to the sad fate of being a mildly irritating and predictable spam email. But are you the relentless Harvard Shop email announcing yet another discount or the house email thread that has gone entirely off the tracks? Take this quiz to find out!

1. On a Saturday night you can be found…

A. Doing the same thing you do in lecture: online shopping. You need more Harvard gear! Last week, someone asked you what school you went to and you simply can’t be bothered with such absurd questions.

B. Shooting your shot — at the gym of course. You need a few pointers (maybe a three-pointer) on how to shoot your shot romantically.

C. Fast asleep on your big, comfy, roomy bed!

D. On your way to Brain Break only to realize that it’s Saturday, and deprived of your nightly sustenance, you return to your room to rant about this act of injustice via an email blast.

2. What is your go-to method for blowing off some steam?

A. Blowing off your friends to steam the new clothes you just bought because while friends will try to get you to cool down, your clothes will appreciate the heat you’re sharing with them.

B. Sitting in a steamy sauna post-gym. Why get worked up when you can work out?

C. St(r)eaming Netflix while making popcorn using your handy microfridge, of course!

D. You can’t steam (read: seem) to find your roommates, and besides, why deprive your house from hearing the great tales of your woes when you have a talent for storytelling?

3. What would be your worst dhall nightmare?

A. Spilling something on your Harvard sweater. That would be horrific, horrendous, and horrifying.

B. The dhall running out of Powerade. You can power through any other misfortune, but the loss of this beverage is enough to send you into a beve-rage

C. Losing your water bottle. Wat-er you supposed to pour water into now?

D. Zero drama in the dhall. Isn’t the point of going to the dhall making sure that you can go back to your room without feeling bored?

4. What is your modus operandi when it comes to scoring a date?

A. You take them out on spontaneous adventures to show them that there is nothing worse than staying Coop-ed up.

B. You take things slow. If there’s one thing you’ve learned on the courts, it’s the art of courtship.

C. You woo them with your impeccable hygiene.

D. You let them know how much they mean to you by sending them the modern love letter: an email that brings tears to your house dean’s eyes.


Mostly A’s: You are the relentless Harvard Shop emails. You provide us with a means to retail-iate against our bank accounts.

Mostly B’s: You are the tenacious Harvard Athletics emails. You keep track of all the major sports games, but greatly overestimate our willingness to traipse across the bridge to cheer on our classmates.

Mostly C’s: You are the clingy Cleaners and Dorm Essentials emails. You help us keep our emails clean by making us rapidly delete spam emails and only keep the essentials.

Mostly D’s: You are the random and often too personal house emails. We know you have a blast sending out email blasts, but if you need tape, please just go ask a friend instead of spamming us all.

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