Flyby Guesses: A Harvard Student’s Search History

By Courtesy of GIPHY

Search history happens to be a closely guarded secret — it’s a ~window into our souls~. We all know that feeling when your friend grabs your phone and opens your browser — pure panic as every search you’ve done this week flashes before their eyes. They’ll know you searched for “Harry Potter fanfiction” and “how many states are there in the U.S.” (Obviously you knew it was 50 but just wanted confirmation.) The fear is too much to bear so you snatch your phone right back. Except now they’re even MORE curious.

People hold their search histories close to their chest, but I think it’s a constructive exercise to try to guess someone’s searches. So here, I will try my hand at guessing yours, dear reader, so long as you’re an undergraduate at Harvard (we’re a predictable bunch).

“What should I major in: personality quiz”

One thing I discovered early on in my first semester: No one really knows what they want to do. The ones that supposedly do have roughly an 80 percent chance of changing their mind at least once by the time they graduate. The other 20 percent question their life decisions on the regular but are too lazy to switch paths at this point.

“Finance jobs for people with a Folklore and Mythology degree”

That Harvard name will get us somewhere, right?

“How to tell people I go to Harvard without sounding pretentious”

A struggle that is somewhat niche, but an awkwardness many of us have encountered time and time again. How do you say it politely without sounding pretentious? At this point, I just say I go to college in the Boston area and people don’t question it a whole lot.

“Will I have a social life after getting quadded?”

Sweetie, did you have one before getting quadded? But I assure you, you can.

“What to do with my life now that I’m not pre-med”

See: next item. But for starters, you actually have a life now. I get it — being a pre-med is hard and now you suddenly have all this time on your hands. Well, I admire you all for choosing that route in the first place.

“How to get a job at McKinsey”

Nepotism is a great place to start!

“Is it possible to write a ten-page paper in four hours?”

Ten pages is pushing it, but five? No problem. It’s been a busy week, and you’ve been putting off that paper for English 20, and then it hits you. That essay is … due? Like, really soon. Time to hunker down with some Red Bull and crank out a paper at an inhuman speed. You no longer know what words you’re writing, but, by god, this paper is going to be done by 11:59.

“Why am I crying?”

First things first, walk out of Lamont and into the sunlight. But in all seriousness, it’s okay if you’re overwhelmed — we’re all under a lot of stress. You got this, babe <3

“Number of injuries by turkey 2021” or ”Can a college student take a turkey in a fight?”

The turkeys prowl campus just waiting to harass the next unsuspecting victim innocently trying to enter Lamont. One would be crazy to not be terrified that one of those oversized birds would come for them next. And yet some particularly confident students think they absolutely could KO one of the campus turkeys. My advice? Don’t even try. Those things are machines, built for destruction and war. Avoid at all costs.

“Is the Owl a birdwatching club?”

Literally what else would it be?

Well, there you have it. The search history of your average Harvard student. Of course, I could be wildly incorrect in my guesses for any given student on this campus, but I’d like to think I hit the mark for at least a few of you.

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