1. Holy Exclusivity!

Feel the power of God and the power of thousands of people stuffed into Memorial Church all at the same time at Sunday and Monday’s 97th Annual Christmas Carol Service. While both performances are open to the public, the “general public is encouraged to attend the Monday service,” according to the Church’s website. So on Sunday, move over, local yokels, this holiday spirit’s just for us. The University Choir will perform seasonal music, as well as a newly-commissioned piece from Harvard alum Daniel R. Pinkham ’44.

Sun., Dec. 17 at 5 p.m. and Mon., Dec. 18 at 8 p.m. Doors open an hour beforehand. Free (charity offering is collected).

2. Santa, A Cannibal?

Who says Boston Theater is tame? Catch the Gold Dust Orphans troupe performing “Silent Night of the Lambs” during a special Saturday matinee just in time for Christmas. But this isn’t one for the young ’uns; in this take on holiday lore, Santa, according to the Orphans’ website is “a man who, after hundreds of years of back breaking public service, has been driven to devour more than just a plate of stale cookies!” Check it out at the Machine Theater (normally a gay nightclub).

Thurs., Fri., and Sat. evenings at 8 p.m., with a special Dec. 23 matinee at 3 p.m. Machine Theater, 1254 Boylston Street. Tickets $28 at http://www.golddustorphans.com.

3. Banana Hammocks of the City, Unite!

If Primal Scream seems just too revealing, try the annual Santa Speedo Run, in which you can don the bare minimum while not risking your future on Google Image search. Just raise $200, bring a Santa hat, and gather at Lir this Saturday morning. Don’t forget your running shoes!

Sat., Dec. 16 at 10:30 a.m. Convene at Lir Irish Pub & Restaurant, 903 Boylston St. $200 requested donation. http://www.santaspeedorun.com.

4. Non-Dubliners

Close your eyes, and the dude kind of sounds like Bono! The Joshua Tree, a U2 tribute band named for the real-deal’s eponymous 1987 hit album, performs all your favorites at a fraction of the cost. With five bucks, you can belt out “Bloody Sunday” with a decidedly non-Irish but still pretty talented rock band.

Fri., Dec. 15. Doors open at 8 p.m. Harpers Ferry, 158 Brighton Ave. Tickets $5 at http://www.harpersferryboston.com. 21+.

5. Last Minute Shopping

Help out locally owned businesses in neighboring Inman Square tonight at the Shop Inman by Moonlight promotion event. Local retailers will offer specials and keep their doors open late. 1369 Coffee House will feature live music from 7 p.m. until 10 p.m., Cambridge high-schoolers will perform Christmas scenes in the windows of Stellabella Toys, and East Coast Grill will be offering cider on the sidewalk.

Thurs., Dec. 14 from 7 p.m. until 12 a.m. Inman Square.

Get Out!