You WIll Be Crushed: FM's Guide to Throwin' 'Bows in Class

You don’t hate Harvard—you just hate the disproportionate number of d-bags at Harvard. How many times in the past week
By Aria S.K. Laskin

You don’t hate Harvard—you just hate the disproportionate number of d-bags at Harvard. How many times in the past week did you repress an urge to self-flagellate, curse over a loudspeaker, or lock your frenemy’s pet in a frozen-fry filled freezer? Fool that you are, you have been overlooking your most potent weapon: the Harvard section. With an arsenal of a few simple tricks, one hour a week is all you need to crush your nemesis.

1) The Bigot Upper-Cut

“By suggesting (insert opponent’s point here), you are basically insinuating that (insert assertion of racism/sexism/xenophobia here). I find that problematic, and, to be honest, deeply troubling.”

Effectiveness Factor: 9

Bullshit Factor: Infinite

2) The Assumption Roundhouse

“Assuming that we are all agreed on the tenets of liberty/the importance of free speech/ the laws of gravity…” Unspoken: Disagree with me, a-meego, and you’ll receive the roundhouse kick of popular opinion to the gut. I doggy dare you.

Effectiveness Factor: 8

Chuck Norris Factor: Avert your eyes in the presence of glory

3) The Facebook Sucker Punch

“Is that really what you think? That’s odd, considering (insert allusion to enemy’s dirty Facebook pics/ suggestive wall posts/ group memberships). Oh, I’m sorry (directed towards TF), it was inappropriate of me to talk about X’s propensity towards (acrobatics/ political Tomfoolery/ amateur photography) in class.”

Effectiveness Factor: 5-10

Creepster Factor: A lot, but you sealed your fate long ago.

4) The Crap on Your Face Knife in the Back

A non-verbal attack. As the TF speaks, subtly make eye contact and repeatedly touch your nose or teeth, thereby suggesting that the tool sitting across from you has some unpleasant appendage in his nose/teeth. Not only will this distract him for the rest of section, but the semblance of intimacy will leave him vulnerable for future attacks.

Effectiveness Factor: 9

Judas Factor: internal strife, eventual forgiveness, immortalization in liturgy/musical

5) The Bull-dozer KO

Park a bull-dozer outside of Sever. After section, bulldoze opponent, thereby literally crushing her.

Effectiveness Factor: 10

Jail Time: 10 to life

So the next time you see the world’s worst person hogging a table at the Greenhouse, wearing a stupid costume on the shuttle circa 11 p.m., or swiping into freshmen dorms, just smile demurely and say, “Whatever. I’ll see you in section.”