Some say you don’t know a man until you walk a mile in his shoes. Well, the ladies of FM say you don’t know a man until you go through his shoe closet. And in the heady world of Harvard College, where dating seems to be obsolete, we’re getting straight to the point: Fuck, Chuck, or Marry.
• Size nine-and-a-half feet: yeah, some guys are bigger, but we’ve seen smaller.
• Sports Illustrated and The Economist: cultivates both his masculine and intellectual sides; can talk about Bill Belichick and Ben Bernanke.
• One can of Coke in fridge: not enough to satisfy our late-night cravings.
• “Get well soon” card from grandparents: awww.
• Saves all old notes and exams—has them stored in notebooks in chronological order: we don’t want to date you, we want to be you.
• Burt’s Bees: soft skin, soft lips.
• Sensual excerpt from Ernest Hemingway’s “For Whom the Bell Tolls” handwritten on the wall: would probably hold you after.
• No shoes in shoe rack, some empty closet space: more room for us when we move in.
• CD’s entitled “Love Mix #1,” “Love Mix #2,” “Love Mix #4,” “Get It Bumpin’,” “Grindin’”: “Love Mix #3” must currently be in use.
• Most pictures on the wall are with guys but there is one recurring girl: taken!
We don’t want to rain on their parade, but they aren’t married yet—FUCK.
• Blue bedspread but pink floral sheets: masculine with a feminine touch.
• Guitar: good with his hands.
• Aloe and Vaseline Men: well lubricated.
• A large number of dress jackets: hot dates at fancy restaurants?
• Tokens from all over the world (giraffe, camel, bird whistle): we’re already planning our future vacations together.
• Different kinds of tea: in sickness and in health.
• Bob Marley poster: let’s get together and feel alright.
• Salt shaker stolen from the dhall: every girl likes a bad boy.
An adventurous spirit, a musical soul, and a bunch of lube—MARRY.
• Minimal posters or picture decor: this guy likes his women like his walls—naked.
• Earth tone floral bedspread: meh.
• Brave New World poster: if this is your paradise, we’re going to keep looking.
• Lots of male care products, among them Old Spice Body Spray: smell like a man, man!
• Twenty-five pound weights: jacked—or trying to become jacked?
• Button-up shirts tossed in drawers: distinct lack of class.
• Pink satin cummerbund: are we supposed to match our dress to your cummerbund now?
• Fake leather pants: the only thing worse than real leather pants.
• Letters from head of state on door: we get it, you’re a pretty big deal.
We appreciate the effort, but we’re afraid you might be more into yourself than us—CHUCK