What Is Your Alternate Ivy League School?

By Courtesy of Google Images

It’s that time of the year again! We’re deep into the season treasured more than any other by the overachieving high schoolers eventually accepted to the hype Harvard institution. College admission season is upon us, and this year it’s going to be wilder than ever. But imagine, Harvard doesn’t exist, and it never has. All of us currently attending Forbes’s number one school in the world definitely would have ended up at some other Ivy League establishment. Relive your pre-college glory days and find out where you would have ended up if the best college ever just didn’t exist. (Disclosure: Yale will not be displayed in your results because they only want to be us. There’s just no way they could exist without Harvard here to do everything first)

1. Where can you be found on a typical Monday at 1:07 a.m.?

A) Reviewing my stock portfolio.

B) In the library. Crying. And trying to dry the tear stains off my crumbled papers.

C) Sleeping, of course.

D) Doing math. Or coding. Or doing math while coding.

2. What’s your favorite family game night game?

A) Monopoly because I want to own the world.

B) Hardcore Operation.

C) Candy Land is pretty chill.

D) I like chess. IDK.

3. Choose a type of water.

A) Fiji

B) Brita

C) Refreshing Cambridge tap. Duh.

D) I don’t really drink water?

4. What Harvard building do you most identify with?

A) Littauer is the only relevant building so that one.

B) The Science Center isn’t the only building on campus?

C) I feel a spiritual connection with Boylston.

D) The one and only Maxwell Dworkin

5. Who’s the coolest?

A) Jordan Belfort!

B) Rosalind Franklin because she basically discovered how life works.

C) Shakespeare is a baller IMO

D) Elon Musk. Is that a hot take?

6. Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

A) Yea, so as you know, I’m currently perfecting the usage of my superfluous vocabulary and implementing a technique through which I say a lot of seemingly important things that actually amount to meaningless extravagance. Peep me as a partner at my dream consulting firm or maybe even owning Wall Street in five years.

B) Ummm, I can barely see myself tomorrow, let alone in five years. My mountainous pile of psets has obstructed my entire view of life. If I make it through Chem 17 and actually get into med school, maybe we can talk, but I’m already late for something so bye.

C) I’ll probably be chilling. It’s not like my humanities classes are completely destroying my will to live, and I’m pretty sure my Ivy degree is going to help get me places. I’ll probably be at business school, divinity school, or pursuing the meaning of life in a remote mountainous location surrounded by Budhist monks in five years.

D) As Mark Zuckerberg.


Mostly As: You’ll be Cheering for William the Quaker Now

Your life would be almost as good at UPenn! Meaning, you’ll still be able to embrace your big snake, ec bro tendencies. After graduation, your fellow alums will include John Legend, Warren Buffet, and Willian Henry Harrison, so that’s kind of cool. Plus, the Wharton School of Business is right in your backyard. It’s no HBS, but we’ll all be settling in this parallel universe.

Mostly Bs: Looks like Roaree the Lion for You

Your love for science and debilitating premed tendencies could probably be satisfied at Columbia. You’ll have prime access to the beautifully named Columbia University Vagelos College of Physicians and Surgeons, and who doesn’t enjoy the idea of that? Alicia Keys and Timothée Chalamet will be in your alumni network, so maybe you can get famous if your dreams of medicine fade to nightmares.

Mostly Cs: Time for Bruno the Bear bb

You could probably be happy anywhere, but Brown might fill the Harvard humanities void. You’ll have some pretty fire donuts at your fingertips in Providence (at least that’s what they flex on their campus tours). And the ability to basically create your own requirements seems pretty appealing, too. One day, if you’re feeling brave, you’ll be able to hit up fellow alumna Emma Watson, and how cool is that?

Mostly Ds: Umm, Say Hi to the Cornell Bear Apparently

While you can no longer imagine yourself as the star of “The Social Network,” Cornell has your back. You might be missing out on the hustle and bustle of city life, but you’ll be surrounded by the beautiful scenery of Ithaca, New York. The Ivies aren’t especially famous for their tech programs, but Cornell looks like your best bet. Maybe you should have saved yourself from this quiz all together and gone to MIT, but here we are. At least you’ll get to share a college experience with Bill Nye the Science Guy!

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