Flyby Ranks: Recruitment Methods of a Certain Semi-Secret Organization
Recruitment season has just ended and all the clubs have been hard at work looking for new members. From flooding email lists, offering free foods and drinks, to promising awesome merch (though unfortunately for all the Wall Street bankers wannabe, Patagonia is no longer an option), every single organization at Harvard is pulling out all the stops to woo new members. With that said, the hardest worker of all must be that semi-secret Sorrento square social organization that used to occasionally publish an allegedly humor magazine. For a “secret” organization, they sure are desperate for members.
If you are still confused about this organization — that for tradition’s sake legal reasons we cannot mention by name — and their try-hard ways, let us walk you through their various (and questionable) recruitment efforts.
That magazine that was put in everyone’s mailbox the first week of school
Here’s the thing about being a secret organization with a purpose to party only 95% of the time: you want to make sure to advertise the entire purpose of the org to potential compers before you crush them with your elitist comping process. The usual Harvard students have only heard of the name in passing and know of the off-kilter building that perhaps some would consider an eyesore. To generate more buzz and interest, a magazine was dropped into every room’s mailbox to show just what exactly this organization, whose name is composed of the first three letters of a certain 24/5 Harvard library and the second half of a harpoon gun, is capable of. Is this their best work? Probably not. But hey, maybe they’re recruiting for some new blood and better writers.
Effort: Average. Props to the people who went to every dorm to drop off the magazine. I hope your step counts for that week were good.
Environmental damage: The amount of electricity and ink as well as paper spent on this… all those emissions. :-(
Does this make me want to comp? Nah
Overall rating: 2/10
The fake syllabus
pov: it’s the first day of class and you’re a student in Gov 20 or Psy 1 or any iconic large Harvard course, and people are passing out syllabi at the doors. Being a typical eager Harvard student, you immediately try to get your hands on one of them, only to realize later what a complete bogus the piece of paper in your hand is. “Not one of the jokes hit,” shared Ian H. Thompson ‘25, a student in GENED 1091 who threw away the syllabus pretty quickly. A student in PSY 1, Birukti Tsige ‘23, did have a laugh about the syllabus but was mostly confused. She originally thought the professor was messing with her before realizing on second read that the jokes were “so ridiculous and terrible.”
Effort: Did they even try? At least with the magazine, I could give some points for the manual labor required. But this? For a club that’s supposed to be funny, they can do better.
Environmental damage: I hope the amount of trees that were sacrificed for this prank keeps you up at night.
Does this make me want to comp? No. Though I do want to give them some jokes books after this.
Overall rating: -3/10
Maybe they just have never heard about “quality over quantity”, but for some reason, excessive flyering seems to be a good idea for this organization whose name is the second Google search result of “publicly criticize (someone or something) by using ridicule, irony, or sarcasm.”
First of all, taking up all the bulletin space everywhere? Total jerk move. Though, I gotta thank them for the free thumbtack pin and tape that I stole from the flyers in order to use on my own flyer. What cannot be forgiven, though, was the paper-covered atrocity surrounding a certain building in between Adams and Lowell.
Effort: did negative energy go into this?
Environmental damage: Let’s just hope someone is nice enough to recycle all those papers.
Does this make me want to comp? Is there a word for wanting to anti-comp an org?
Overall rating: -128472345105
The fake Crimson newspaper
This is actually clever, I gotta admit. Unfortunately, any potential enjoyment for the fake article was spoiled by that slavery joke. It’s 2021. You can do so much better, Ampoon-Lay.
Effort: Probably required the most effort out of the four
Environmental damage: I’m convinced that everyone in this organization hates trees.
Does this make me want to comp? O-nay
Overall rating: -∞
So there you have it, our totally honest and unbiased ranking of that organization’s recruitment methods. And for any members of that Pinocchio-shaped building reading this, do better next year.