It’s Nov. 10, and you know what that means: T-minus four days until those concentration declarations have to go out. Sophomores, you ready? If not, FM’s got your back. For those over-achieving freshmen out there, this one’s for you too. Time to figure our lives out.
1) Do you enjoy college?
a. Eh. It’s alright.
b. I prefer to call it a “place of learning.”
c. Where else can I shoot up heroin without being frowned upon?
d. Enjoy it? I LOVE it. Room 13 can’t get enough of me.
e. I am above such mundane things. I’m also scared of social interaction. Please don’t hurt me.
2) What goes down when you fail a midterm?
a. There’s a curve, isn’t there?
b. I don’t have midterms, only long-winded, “analytical” essays that are perfect for pushing a political agenda.
c. I haven’t taken a midterm since eighth grade.
d. I hate VES concentrators.
e. Fail? Ha! I step on those who fail. Seriously though, I’m pretty non-violent.
3) Craziest thing you can see yourself doing?
a. Bungee jumping into a 500 meter gorge
b. Meeting Carrie Bradshaw (Haha, you wish)
c. Covering up my tattoos, pulling out my piercings, and walking around in a suit
d. Time traveling to the Pleistocene epoch and kicking some woolly mammoth ass
e. Solving the mathematical proof explaining the meaning of life. Suck on that, Math Olympiad judges! You didn’t know I’d be famous one day, did you? Take my Noble Peace Prize and give me second place now, bitches!
4) Do you drink?
b. From time to time, but only when papers are due
c. Ever since my father told me I was adopted
d. Milk and orange juice! Water is supposed to be nice too.
e. I get extremely, extremely crunk on weekends. I’ll get back to you when I figure out what exactly that means.
5) Favorite weather?
a. Sunny and 82 degrees
b. Sunny weather’s decent, I guess.
c. Dark and stormy. Like my soul.
d. I don’t really go out much.
e. Last summer, I invented a tool that can change the weath-
er. Commence Operation Destroy Earth.
6) Source of inspiration?
a. Theodore Roosevelt
b. Margaret Thatcher
c. The Winkelvii. Though I disagree with almost everything they stand for, they’re just so ruggedly handsome, I forget.
d. My mind
e. Sometimes I watch Barney late at night, and I think about how I too used to be that young.
7) How often do you bathe?
a. Once a day
b. Once a week
c. When my mother reminds me
d. When they close Brain Break early because of the smell
e. Bathing is a relative term.
8) What color are your socks?
b. What color are yours?
c. Any color you want them to be ;) No, really, I can make them any color you want them to be.
d. Grey. Preferably a dark grey, so sweat stains don’t show through.
e. A muddy, brownish color
9) Where do you go when you want
to be alone?
a. Science Center!
b. The restricted section of Widener. What, you didn’t know about that?
c. Lamont. Love me some baristas.
d. The Charles. Sometimes, at night, I like to walk around with my iPad. On good nights, I don’t even get mugged.
e. I just stay in my room on Saturday nights. I stopped going out after I realized the square root of four wasn’t two. Help me.
10) What is an ideal first date?
a. Dinner and a movie
b. Museum tour, then a picnic
c. Me drawing you in the nude. Come on, you know you want to.
d. I would love to have a first date.
e. Did someone just say “nude”?
11) What’s your favorite meal?
a. Breakfast. Most important meal of the day!
b. Lunch. (Please be Red Spice Chicken, please be Red Spice Chicken.)
c. Dinner. There’s always pasta, I guess.
d. Brunch. Veritaffles for everyone!
e. Fourth Meal. Everything’s always more delicious between the hours of midnight and 4am.
12) How do you react to paper assignments?
a. Aww man, I hate papers. They always take so much work, and I’ve got like one of them every year.
b. I love papers! How many do you think I can write in a week?
c. The written form is too constricting for me. I prefer a more expressive medium.
e. Papers? Don’t you mean problem sets?
13) What does your dream workplace look like?
a. I need a lot of space, preferably with floor-to-ceiling windows.
b. An old house by the Cape, with ancient books lining the shelves and a little rocky beach over which I can watch the sun set with my dog at my side
c. I’ll honestly do anything for money.
d. What part of my being pre-med don’t you understand. There’s only one place for me to go from here: Harvard. Medical. School.
e. Anywhere with an outlet, an internet connection, and a fridge full of Mountain Dew
14) What kind of phone do you use?
a. iPhone all the way. I’ve never used the 3G, and I don’t have any apps, but I still tell people it’s the best phone out there.
b. Android for life! I think of myself as a well-informed consumer, and I know what things like 802.11 b/g/n Wifi connection means.
c. Blackberry. The most professional phone on the market. Sometimes, I take it out of my pocket and pretend to be talking to someone just to look important.
d. I haven’t bought a new phone since 8th grade. So long as I can text and call, that’s all I need.
e. I gave my four friends a tin can each, and connected a string from my home to each of theirs.
a - 1
b - 2
c - 3
d - 4
e - 5
If you scored between 15 and 26 points, you should be a Social Sciences concentrator! The world is your oyster. If you’re an economics concentrator, go out and make lots of money. Otherwise, best of luck.
If you scored between 27 and 38 points, you are a Humanities concentrator! You’re doing what you love, and that’s great. Just make sure you remember that on the days when ramen noodles start seeming too expensive.
If you scored between 38 and 49 points, you are a VES concentrator! To be honest, we’re not quite sure what you do. But whatever it is, keep doing it. You’re destined for greatness. Or prison. Again, we’re not too sure what you do in your studio.
If you scored between 50 and 62 points, you are a Life/Physical Sciences concentrator! Congrats! Join the 9,000 other students who also wish to become doctors but will instead end up as dentists. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, of course.
If you scored between 63 and 75 points, you are a Mathematics/Engineering concentrator! You’ve probably known this for a while, since you’ve been fulfilling the requirements since day one, but it’s good to have a reminder. Try to stay away from sharp objects and other people. Other than that, continue solving global warming.