It’s time for FM to air its dirty laundry, so sit back, relax and enjoy our socially awkward lies, maladjusted rumors and agoraphobic innuendos.
Notorious jackass and FM Associate Editor Danny K. Poserbaum ’04 believes he might have a chance to score with FM’s naive freshman compers. “I’m gonna get me some comper booty,” cackles Poserbaum, “they can’t not like what they don’t know.”
FM Co-Chair Mira F. Leonard ’04 has failed to attend her last 14 Arabic A sections. To atone, Leonard has taken to covering her head while in public in accordance with Islamic religious customs. “If I am ever going to learn the language,” says Leonard, “I need to embrace the rich traditions of this beautiful culture.” Leonard continues, “it’s an added bonus that my burqa keeps my TF from picking me out in crowds, plus goat hair really helps keep my ears warm—it’s fuckin’ cold outside.”
FM Associate Editor Larry P. Hotchkiss ’04 is afraid that the end of his FM career may mean that he might actually have to start his thesis. Don’t worry Larry, you never have to start your thesis. Your thesis is just a figment of your imagination—a diabolical ruse concocted by your psychoanalyst to distract you from the real source of all your problems: your Oedipal complex. Go take a nice long nap and it will all be better when you get up. (Sadistic laughter).
FM Associate Editor Iran Hormone ’05 forwent Friday night festivities last week to enjoy some private time with her hot new obsession, her personal website www.iranhormone.com. Hormone insists that the website was a surprise gift from her tech savvy younger brother. When asked if the semi-nude portrait of herself on the site was also a gift from her tech savvy younger brother, Hormone responded, “no—that is a gift from me to the world.”
Though she has been conspicuously absent from the Harvard social scene for the past two and a half years, FM Associate Editor Priscilla E. Kidman ’05 was officially declared missing this week after disappearing during the blizzard. Kidman was last spotted as she attempted to scale a newly-formed snowdrift in her leopard print stilettos on her way back to Adams House. Friends fear that her heels became lodged in the snow as heels in snow are wont to do, leaving her stranded in the cold. Says Kidman’s inconsolable boyfriend, G. Male Hussell ’05, “She had fabulous jeans—I’ll really miss them.”
A search committee has been formed consisting of FM Associate Editor Holly M. Chong ’05. “I didn’t find Priscilla in the Kirkland dining hall or in any of my classes or at my job,” reports Chong. “But I made cookies!” (Glancing around at the distraught looks of Priscilla’s family and friends) “Priscilla Memorial cookies!,” piped in Chong.
FM Proofer Kim K. Aaron ’04 has thanked Gossip Guy for making her job this semester easier by avoiding offensive and backwards stereotypes of clannish Asians, drunken Irish, lazy blacks, penny-pinching Jews or promiscuous gays. Kim, you’re welcome!
FM Co-Chair Raquel E. Arid ’04 submitted her first chapter to her thesis adviser last week, hoping to get some thoughtful feedback and instead just got some artful feedback—a landscape doodled across the first page. A visibly upset Arid calmed down after friends assured her that she was still a good, decent person and that her thesis adviser also respects her as a person—just not as a thesis writer.