Chris and Chris plan for 2006.
Chris and Chris plan for 2006.

Back to School - For Spring Semester

As every d-bag and their mother comes back to school with a sick tan from the Caribbean or chafed legs
By Christopher J. Catizone and Chris Schonberger

As every d-bag and their mother comes back to school with a sick tan from the Caribbean or chafed legs from a trek on Brokeback Mountain, one thing is abundantly clear: second semester will probably be terrible.

Back in September, in our very first Bell Lap column, we offered some guidelines for making sure your Back to School stock was high. Unfortunately, it seems the last days of summer spent masturbating to Laguna Beach reruns caused us to forget certain fundamental truths about Harvard. Although Catizone kept it fresh in his jean jacket and Schonberger happily resorted to “Plan B” (buying a Gamecube), the fall semester reminded us of one important maxim: Anticipation often breeds disappointment. It’s easy to fear a repeat performance.

For seniors, it now seems that the pressure to make four years of “awesome college memories” in the space of four months can only end in tears, as well as a plethora of depressing Facebook photo albums with names like “Senior Spring – WOOHOO!!!!!” and “KRUNKed @ Spee Pajama Jam!”

But it’s not all doom and gloom. Don’t forget that upon returning from intersession, you get a fresh $50 recharge on your Board Plus account—cash back! More importantly, seniors find themselves at the first juncture in their college lives where it’s actually reasonable to start peaking without fear of “peaking too early.” With this in mind, we have some Back to School updates:

Back to School 2 (BTS2) Game: We are only months away from the Senior Last Chance Dance, the one day in the life of the Harvard undergraduate where it is perfectly acceptable to spend $500 buying Red Bull Vodkas for every girl he’s ever met at this school and begin conversations by saying “On a scale from one to ten, how much do you want to have sex with me?” Just try to run through your “Top 5” first before moving onto lower-echelon type sluts.

BTS2 Gear: Punxatawney Phil has spoken, and he says there’s going to be six more weeks of winter. That means two things. First, he’s predicted the same thing six years in a row, and maybe he should be reminded of the choices. Second, though the weather has been decidedly balmy, it’s not time to break out the “jorts” (jean shorts) yet. Remember that at Harvard, winter is only over when the grounds crew sticks all those green phallic spears back in the grass and takes the giant canvas condom off of the concrete penis in front of Boylston Hall. For girls, beware of jumping the gun on “spring wear.” Just because it’s in the high 50s doesn’t mean you’ve been working out or are no longer pasty­—English concentrators are always pasty because they read so much Jane Austen.

Schonberger’s BTS2 Goals: 1) Stage “Legend,” a 33-minute adaptation of Larry Bird’s life with co-writer and director Cheddar Ted. 2) Learn to skateboard. 3) Hurt peoples’ feelings with ridiculous kick game and whip appeal.

Catizone’s BTS2 Goals: 1) Wear Target-brand Corona-themed board shorts to every class meeting after April 1. 2) Sleep in the Yard. 3) Only talk to people in section after I’ve verified on Facebook that they’re not one of those idiots who blocks their profile from being viewed by others at Harvard.