Visitas has been and gone, and as hordes of happy prefrosh take their jollies to the highway, spare a thought for the losers of the weekend: those veteran singles of Harvard who spurned the home advantage and failed to capitalize on the fresh meat of ’15. But don’t give up, desperados; another chance for exploitative lovin’ lies just around the corner—and when it does, you can be better prepared with this appropriately themed mixtape.
Jackson Five: "Sugar Daddy"
They say that free-market exchange has been around as long as human society, and money for honey is among the most well-worn of these transactions. It’s a dangerous road, however, to ply your beloved with Pinkberry to get to their, umm, pink berry. Heed the harrowing tale of the Jacksons: “While I’m givin’ you the candy / He’s gettin’ all your love.”
Willie Nelson and Norah Jones:
"Baby, it's Cold Outside"
This song is sketchy to start with—"Say, what’s in this drink / No cabs to be had out there"—but when Willie Nelson’s graveyard growl meets Norah Jones’ dulcet croon, it’s a recipe for gross. The silver lining to Boston’s April clouds: climate-induced coupling.
Serge Gainsbourg: "Lemon Incest"
After butchering the French national anthem and tricking a teen star into a song about oral sex, Gainsbourg capped off a wonderfully strange career with this provocative video clip. His 12-year-old daughter Charlotte lounges on her topless father while they sing about "the love that we will never make together." Umm, hope not. Bloody weirdos.
Usher: "Hey Daddy (Daddy's Home)"
A good one to sing when you come home sozzled and stumble over the adolescent stranger on your futon. (For more on the sexiness of father figures, see Gainsbourg above.) Also rumored to be the secret pass-code for exclusive Mt. Auburn St. parties, but only if sung impromptu in convincing falsetto.
Queen: "Fat-Bottomed Girls"
Fuck gender normativity; the fairer sex, too, has the right to be predatory. Hats off to "big fat Fanny" ("she was such a naughty nanny") for teaching wee Freddie to appreciate that, when it comes to ladies, more really is more. Licentious women in important supervisory roles make the rockin’ world go round.