Meeting Minutes We Think Could Be Real (But Aren’t)

An inside look at the meeting minutes that didn't actually happen.


President: How many petitions have we collected for today?

Freshman Rep.: Forty-three! Sorry, but I took a break to sleep last Tuesday.

President: Great, just shred them. Next issue on the agenda. What do what we want to do with the results of the HUDS satisfaction survey?

Student Rep.: After running several algorithms and a Doodle poll, we’ve found that adding five minutes to the third brain break of every month would make a huge difference in overall student satisfaction. Let’s prepare another survey over the next few months.

President: Excellent!

Student Rep.: Actually, to be honest, sometimes I just feel really frustrated. You know, after 375 years of Harvard running okay, who am I to try to effect big change?

President: You know what? My freshman year, I organized a task force that would appoint a committee to oversee the feasibility of creating a different committee that would start an investigation into the possibility of a student center.

Student Rep.: No way! As a freshman?!

President: Yeah...well, it was my freshman project. And my sophomore project...and my junior one, too.


President: It’s official. We’ve been banned from all of the lists other than the Meditation Club because they’re too zen to ban us, and Crimson Key because they can’t figure out how to. Alternative spamming ideas?

Study Group Director: What if we partnered with HUDS? Customized waffle irons, maybe?

Student Outreach Coordinator: Nah, my friends tried it out once for the Veritas Financial Group. You can only get one word on the iron. Complete waste of money.

Study Group Director: That doesn’t matter, because I’ve just perfected our Facebook event invite: Palatino Linotype. Forty-eight point type. At least seven different colors. Alternating italics and bold, highlighting in a color that reduces contrast, and a five paragraph essay on the study group leader.

Student Outreach Coordinator: Great! Just keep the Facebook invites coming every three minutes.


President: Awesome attendance this week from non-HoCo members! Thanks for coming by, Charlie!

Social Coordinator: I know we usually only argue over our theme for Stein Club, but today we need to discuss the Housing Day video.

President: You’re right. This will be the foundation of our entire legacy as a committee. Remember last year? They got 46 views and three likes. I know it’s a daunting task, but I think we can match it.

Social Coordinator: I want something ground-breaking. How about, “This Isn’t a Quad House?”

President: Oh, and maybe we could get Dean Hammonds to make a cameo!

Social Coordinator: Don’t be ridiculous. No one’s seen her in years.