Fifteen Things We Know

Fifteen Things We Know

1. The singer Seal has those scars on his face because he was bitten by a seal. “Heretofore, I shall carry the name of that beast whose jaws have forever marked me,” he said.

2. Contrary to what is said in The Usual Suspects, the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was not convincing the world he didn’t exist. In fact, the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the writers of The Usual Suspects to write that the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist.

3. All photographs and videotapes of the apparently Caucasian, red-clad band The White Stripes are negatives. They are actually African-Americans who wear green clothes.

4. Why do all the locks at Harvard say “Yale”? Yale sucks—that’s why!

5. The people who say “Write what you know” don’t know that all I know is Milwaukee’s Best.

6. Nelly wears a band-aid on his cheek because Johnson & Johnson underwrote the purchase of his friend’s basement stripper’s pole.

7. Contrary to its popular bastardized form, the word “Cambridge” in Olde English is actually pronounced “Cammmbidge [barf]” Wait, no; correction, that’s in Olde English 800.

8. FM actually printed this sentence on Nov. 15, 2001: “A student body who may be socially aware that often has who may given up on protest as an anachronistic way to get things done.”

9. If people all over the world joined hands to make a love train, that train would be dumb, and wouldn’t go anywhere.

10. Pulling all-nighters doesn’t help you academically. But it makes you wicked awesome!

11. When someone, like, says “chlair” instead of “chair” by accident, and then their friends are, like, “Oh, we don’t have any chlairs! I guess there’s nowhere for you to sit without chlairs!”—it’s like, man, your friends are dicks, but learn to speak English for Chrissakes.

12. Whiskey bottles always have Southern stuff on the bottle, but when I drink from them the only way I’m remotely Southern is that I feel about 140 years removed from self-pride.

13. Why, if I put my shoes on before my pants, I’d be able to...no, wait, that wouldn’t work.

14. Every map in the world has the exact same scale. Think about it.

15. Douche-cock is hyphenated, but cheesedick is not.