According to the Crimson Cash website, Crimson Cash, a declining balance convenience account, can be used at 38 vendors, including two Bolocco locations (thank God) and IHOP. But we wanted to know, other than a smiley-face pancake off of the IHOP kid’s menu despite not being under twelve, what is the most degenerate things that you can buy with your Crimson Cash?
That’s right, Mom, Dad, other Mom, Dad, we need you to up the balance on our Cash Cards, we are all out of magic swipes. We’re all out of laundry money because we used all our Crimson Cash to buy booze and cigarettes (Is this embezzlement?).
Here’s what we managed to buy.
After sending ten-minutes picking out the perfect flavor of Lime-a-rita (the Mango one!), we were informed by the cashier at Savon that we could not buy alcohol or lottery tickets using our Crimson Cash. We could, however, buy cigarettes. Black and Milds, the first of many, we suppose.
Turns out you can buy anything at CVS using Crimson Cash–anything. Cold Medicine? Check. Condoms? Check. Home enema kit? Check. Because of the “Savon Incident” we were worried that we wouldn’t be able to get pure drinking alcohol. So we bought a mouthwash with a high alcohol content (one grade above Rubinoff, and five grades cheaper).
We asked about whether or not we could use Crimson Cash to buy a vibrator and a IDENTIGENE paternity test for $34.99. We could. However, the test required an additional $119 laboratory fee, and after waiting on hold for twenty minutes with the DNA clinic, we assumed that no, they would not take Crimson Cash, and that yes, when in doubt, we would just have to raise Blake Lively’s baby as our own.
Turns out you can buy booze. Just very very very classy booze. We bought the cheapest can–Old Speckled Hen: English Ale. The cashier wrapped it in a brown paper bag, which was degenerate enough for us.
At 3 p.m. a glass of Bantam Cider (and even water, if you tell people it’s because you are pregnant) is pretty degenerate. We could also buy a shot of whiskey if we wanted to. But we didn’t. It takes a while for the bartender to process the Crimson Cash.
We went back to look for porn. The cashier told us to check across the street at the Harvard News Stand–unfortunately they don’t take Crimson Cash.
No. No porn here. Just more classy booze.