FM Imagines: HSA's Other Services

HSA has plenty to offer, but FM has a few critical suggestions.
By Emma V. R. Noyes

Find Your Lost Sock
We’ve already done your laundry, folded it, and delivered it to your dorm; let us take it one step further and locate that missing sock you haven’t seen since you unpacked in August. No, we didn’t lose it. It’s probably underneath your bed.

Take Pictures of You Having Fun at Parties
Never take a semi-dark selfie of you and your friends in a crowded dorm room again! Hire us to follow you around on Saturday nights and take candid pictures of you and your friends having fun. Or of you doing psets (#lamontgoingup).

Extra Charge: Edit Your Pictures
Once you have the perfect picture of you and your friends holding red solo cups, you obviously have to post it on Instagram. Allow us to choose the right filter.

Room Service
Tired of having to raise your fork to your mouth and chew your own food? We get it. For one low, low price, we will go to the dining hall, fill up a plate with your favorite semi-edible HUDS entreés, and bring it to your room.

Remind You of People’s Names
One of our memorization experts will follow you around the Yard and whisper in your ear the name of that one kid from Expos who always says hi to you. If someone asks why you’re always together, just say he is your boyfriend.

Deliver Noch’s to You at 2 a.m.
Maybe you’re in Widener pulling an all-nighter. Maybe you’ve been dancing on tables at Felipe’s rooftop bar and are about to pass out on your futon. Regardless, you need pizza, and you shouldn’t have to move to get it. Allow us to help.

Go to Class for You
What’s the point of dragging yourself to class after you’ve had all that well-photographed fun with your friends? Rest up for next weekend. We can attend your lecture and take notes for you. Extra charge for appearance and voice-alteration in section discussion.

Tags
A Little Levity