LinkedIn Warriors

We all know that person. We eat with them, we pset with them, and in our darkest hours, we even hate-stalk them. They’re honored to announce that they’re an incoming summer analyst at McKinsey. They’re somehow studying Computer Science, Economics, Statistics, and Applied Math all at once. They’re in HCCG, CBE, HUCP, HVC, or WSMA (Why So Many Acronyms). They’re the child that would make your parents proud: they’re a LinkedIn Warrior.

Armed with the skills I’ve acquired through my unemployable History and Literature concentration, I dug through the archives and rediscovered the profiles of the LinkedIn Warriors of Harvard’s past.

Ben A. Shapiro HLS ’07:

Experience

Avid User, Twitter

Leveraged platform of more than six million followers to raise awareness of existential threats to society, such as “WAP,” “Pound Town 2,” and the “Barbie” movie

Host, The Ben Shapiro Show

Served as an inspiration for boys on policy debate teams who speak at a rate of 350 words per minute in order to mask their inability to make a single relevant point

Freelance Political Pundit

Participated in hundreds of recorded debates, such as “Ben Shapiro DOMINATES Sissy Liberal College Student,” which were posted on YouTube but probably belonged on PornHub

Education

Harvard Law School

Skills

Hypernasality

J. Robert Oppenheimer, Class of 1925:

Experience

Chairman, Atomic Energy Commission

Passionately lobbied for international arms control immediately after developing said international arms

Director, Los Alamos Laboratory

Led a desert retreat for the nation’s top scientists focused on community, radical self-expression, and free love, culminating in a joyous expression of scientific achievement

Education

Harvard College

Activities and Societies: RIP Oppenheimer, you would have loved the Harvard Undergraduate Workers’ Union

Languages

English

Native/Bilingual

Greek

Working Proficiency

Latin

Working Proficiency

French

Full Professional Proficiency

German

Full Professional Proficiency

Dutch

Elementary Proficiency

Sanskrit

Working Proficiency

Rivers Cuomo ’06:

Experience:

Frontman, Weezer

Synthesized knowledge of music theory, creative writing, and classical composition to produce multiple critically acclaimed rock albums exploring the allure of Asian women and the effects of prolonged sexual frustration on entitled white men

Moderator, Mister Rivers’ Neighborhood

As a project for CS50, created and operated an international music discussion forum — also known as a Discord server — for Weezer fans

Education

Harvard College

Activities and Societies: Asian American Women’s Association, Half-Asian People’s Association, Organization of Asian American Sisters in Service

Volunteer Experience

Mentor, National Institute For Involuntarily Celibate Men

Utilized rock music to provide solace to men struggling with unwilling abstinence

Vivek G. Ramaswamy ’07:

Experience:

Candidate, President of the United States of America

Campaigned on a groundbreaking platform of:

Getting lit: legalizing weed and gutting the Food and Drug Administration

Resisting the surveillance state: pardoning Edward Snowden and abolishing the FBI

Protecting the nation’s children: instituting six-week abortion bans and raising the standard voting age to 25

Co-Founder, Strive Asset Management

Founded an “anti-woke” asset management firm to combat the uncontrollable, oppressive, and overwhelming proliferation of “woke'”' asset management firms

Rapper at the Intersection of Art and Activism

Performed libertarian-themed rap music under the professional alias “Da Vek.” Music has been recognized by The Harvard Crimson, Politico, and Eminem (in the form of a cease-and-desist letter)

Education:

Harvard College

Activities and Societies: Harvard Political Union, Presidential Search Committee

Test Scores

SAT: 1600/1600

First try

— Magazine writer Yasmeen A. Khan can be reached at yasmeen.khan@thecrimson.com.