Fake Meeting Minutes

Kappa Kappa Gamma President: Hey girls! Let’s get sta- Room: WOOOOO!

Crimson Key Society

Tour Coordinator: All right, we need one person to sign up to do tours this month if we want to keep our current arrangement going. Anyone? Come on, people, it’s one tour and we have 60 members. Not that big of a deal....

Tour Coordinator: Anyone?

Sophomore Member: I haven’t done one since I comped. I guess I could try a tour.

President: Right. Let’s have a party to celebrate our campus impact!

Kappa Kappa Gamma

President: Hey girls! Let’s get sta-


President: WOOO! Yeah, as I was saying, we have a lot to cover toda-


President: -OOO! We should probably start wi-


President: WOOOO! Shots! Facebook statuses! WOOOOO!

Culinary Society

Social Outreach Coordinator: GUYS!

President: Buh-wha...I’m up, I’m up. What is it?


President: But it’s a Panera.


President: All right, let’s send out six newsletters today about Panera and then our usual 18 because it’s a Friday.

South Asian Men’s Collective

President: Hey guys, let’s throw A Party!Junior Rep: We did that back in October.President: Well, shit.


President: Why hello, mates. Aww, this guy, look at this guy here. What a guy. What do we have for this issue anyway?

Art Editor: I found a man on the T, and I gave him some change because I thought he was homeless, but it turned out he is this really famous artist that you should all know about. He makes art by pressing his nipples into plaster and then surrounding the mold with commercial products. It’s a statement about consumerism and pornography. Really, nobody’s heard of him? You would hear of him if you were in the right circles. He’s a big fucking deal in the nipple-printing community.

Poetry Editor: I have some student submissions for the issue. Ninety-five percent of them are haikus people wrote in response to emails asking for poems, but there are a few serious ones in there. No. No, yeah. One girl even took a poetry class before she began writing.

President: Great, man. Yeah, that’s great. I also found this really interesting splash of light as it fell through my glass of water at lunch, and I took a picture of it. Cover material? Yeah, man.

Technology Editor: Um, guys? I’ve mentioned this a couple of times, but we could really use an update to our software. Do we have anything in our budget to spare for this?President: Yo, look. We’re artists, man. We don’t have any money. Also we already spent it on red wine and cigarettes.


Malan: So we’re nearing the summer, meaning it’s time to start planning the fall semester. Ideas?

Head TF: Okay, so get this. We’ve already done mugs, shirts, hats, sweatshirts, backpacks, computer cases, messenger bags, umbrellas, shorts, and flannel. What else can we do? Let me ask you this: What is the one thing every person needs but doesn’t yet have?Assistant

TF: Umm...a neckwarmer?

Head TF: Better. Ready? Bath mats.

Assistant TF: Bath mats?

Head TF: Bath mats.