I was told by OCS that if I used certain words on my resume, it would make it stronger. Now, they never mentioned what a “resume” was, so I figured so long as I use their words, I’m all set, right?
Edwin “Buzz” Wordsmith
Accelerated from zero to 60.
Achieved my lifelong dream of seeing the inside of a Disney World character’s costume.
Acted tough in front of my crush one time when I stepped on a thumb tack in seventh grade.
Administered first aid to my goldfish by repeatedly spitting sink water on it. Advised a team of circus penguins.
Analyzed my free-throw average using the metric “you miss 100 percent of the shots you don’t take.”
Broadened my horizon by bulldozing my neighbor’s house.
Built an ark for every species on earth.
Calculated my GPA: 8.
Centralized my heating system.
Changed matter from solid to gas, but sadly couldn’t destroy it.
Clarified something for Zedd and Foxes.
Collected bar wristbands.
Completed the Tasty Burger Challenge!
Composed “Cotton Eyed Joe.”
Conducted Thomas The Tank Engine.
Created a monster.
Designed a combination desk/chair/bed/kitchen/herbarium.
Devised an efficient, clean system to feed everyone in the world at no cost.
Enabled my computer to automatically respond to emails for me, after programming it with my exact personality.
Followed by Hu Jintao on Twitter.
Gathered around a campfire to sing a campfire song.
Generated only 1.18 gigawatts of electricity so now I can’t go back to the future.
Governed about 300 people for a while, unwittingly.
Improved my life in just four easy steps by clicking here!
Marketed the mushrooms growing out of my shower as “home grown and organic.”
Operated without a license in Nebraska.
Optimized Suboptimus Prime.
Organized Mystery Inc., said no dogs, damn kids!
Publicized the side effects of my new drug, crack metheroin.
Reduced heat to a slow simmer.
Renegotiated negotiation procedures.
Reported for The Harvard Crimson.
Researched the history of Niall Ferguson for Niall Ferguson.
Unified the Germanic states.
Updated Adobe Reader.
Verbalized my inner thoughts.
Wrote this resume.