Well, it’s that time of the year again, the time when loveless (and sexless) Harvard students have their best chance of finding the one who’s missing from their lives. No, I am not talking about the podst-Valentine’s Day spike in Tinder use. We’re talking about the one, the only, Datamatch. If love can’t be found using questions such as, “What kind of infectious disease describes your sex life?” then all hope is lost. With that in mind, FM describes the seven people with whom you Datamatched (whether or not you are excited about them is up to you).
01. Your TF/CA
Have you always wondered what it would be like to date a TF? Wondered whether it would guarantee you an A? Or, at the very least, an A-? Well, here’s your chance to find out. Send them that email. Forget the awkwardness. Just because Harvard banned relationships between faculty and students doesn’t mean that you can’t go for this! Your GPA might (or might not) thank you for it.
02. The final club guy who still can’t get any
He’s handsome. He’s tall. He’s most likely an athlete. His father is probably quite wealthy, so asking him out could potentially be your first coffee date not paid for with Board Plus. In other words, he seems perfect. But deep down, there’s a part of you wondering what must be wrong with him if he still hasn’t found someone despite partying every weekend at a club with a 1:10 guy-to-girl ratio.
03. Your best friend
It’s happened to all of us. One day, you see this person as the platonic rock of your life. The next, Datamatch tells you that maybe you’ve got it all wrong. Maybe there is something more. If Datamatch’s algorithm says you have chemistry, you probably do, since you both recognized Tom Brady’s balls as the Super Bowl MVP.
04. That guy from last semester
You met at a party. You left the party together. You had a good time...maybe? It’s unclear what happened after that night, but all you know (and all your friends knows) is that it’s awkward now. He was always an awful texter, so even if you have thoughts of rekindling this “romance,” he probably won’t get back to you for another three weeks. By that time, you’ll hopefully have found a new bae.
05. Section kid
The obvious answer. You’ve never spoken with him or her, but you have heard them speak plenty about practically everything, from why Napoleon invaded Russia to the importance of learning about Darwinism. Typically, their voice elicits a strong reaction similar to when you’ve had too much beer on an empty stomach. You don’t even have to get coffee to know whether or not you want this match to go anywhere.
06. That girl/guy from freshman year in Annenberg
Yes, we all have one. Do not be afraid to admit it. You probably had lunch with him or her once during Opening Days. Since then, every time you’ve seen this person in a dining hall, seven tables away, you have sensed a tingling in your stomach unlike anything you’ve ever felt before (though it’s possibly the swai you had for dinner). Well, good news! This is your chance to have coffee with him or her. Then again, you may not even remember names without it attached to a hometown and potential concentration.
07. Your ex
This is just plain awkward. If you both plan first to volunteer for charity after you graduate, then give up and sell your soul for money, doesn’t that mean you should get back together? Wait, that’s not a good judgment, since 90 percent of us will do that. Hm. We don’t know what to tell you about this one, but tread carefully. There’s a reason you broke up in the first place, even if Datamatch says otherwise. Free waffles be damned, an algorithm can only take you so far.