It’s February. It’s cold. It’s early enough in the semester that your BoardPlus shouldn’t have run out. I have $108 left due to overwhelming self-discipline. It’s time to cozy up in a café. Luckily, Harvard’s campus is in the midst of a coffeeshop renaissance. Barker Café is an explosion of black turtlenecks; Lamont Café zombies are bursting with overpriced sushi; Greenhouse is the site of a new Manhattan Project. With an abundance of options, it can often be hard to decide exactly where to take shelter from the slush and the snow. Never fear—FM will help you figure out your vibe, and where you’ll be sipping brew.
01: Where are you on a Thursday night?
a) Brooding over a glass of red wine.
b) P-setting until the sun rises or the coffee runs dry, whichever comes first.
c) Chasing down your escaped lab mice.
d) Pondering the future of Bolivian socialism.
02: What’s your café purchase of choice?
a) A $13 sandwich produced in an Etruscan bakery shipped on a sailboat from
b) Triple shot caramel macchiato with whipped cream.
c) Pizza. All of the pizza.
d) Any three things off the dollar menu.
03: Why head to a café?
a) Your spurned lover is visiting to read their newest book of poems.
b) You’ll see everyone you know.
c) The lab is so close, and your home is so far.
d) The café is a politically generative third-space.
04: Black and blue or white and gold?
a) The debate hasn’t entered the world of Tumblr.
b) Frantically refreshing Buzzfeed to learn more and avoid work.
c) Still waiting for spectrometer results.
d) An election on the issue would only cause more problems.
05: Preferred café conversation?
a) Whether the fourth wall has always been broken.
b) Whether the party will be in Weld or Canaday.
c) Whether to order 01100011 01101111 01100110 01100110 01100101 01100101 or 01110100 01100101 01100001.
d) Whether death may not be the greatest of all blessings for a man (Socrates).
If you answered mostly:
A’s: Barker Café—You’re a hopelessly dissatisfied intellectual. Bond with your fellow future unemployeds.
B’s: Lamont Café—You have a meeting with your proctor in an hour about last week’s busted pregame.
C’s: Greenhouse—The results are still at the lab. But FM is positive that you’ll enjoy Greenhouse.
D’s: CGIS—You didn’t vote for it. We chose it for you. Undemocratic? Yes. The right thing to do? Unfortunately, also yes.