Hey, get your mind out of the gutter! It’s not what you’re thinking. The busts we’re talking about are the ones mounted on the walls of Annenberg. As freshmen, rarely do we look up from our heaping piles of curly fries and carnival cookies to notice the many stern men staring down at us. Covering almost every inch of Annenberg’s walls, these devilishly handsome fellows are forever immortalized in smooth marble. While their busts are accompanied by a gold plaque detailing their major accomplishments and contributions to the University, we know you’ll never actually get around to reading them. Let us be your one and only source into the scandalous lives of Harvard’s elite.
We’ll start on the south wall, with the last dude you see before exiting the Berg: William Wetmore Story, Class of 1838. Like many Harvard students today, Story had no idea what he wanted to do with his life. Naturally, he decided to follow his father’s path and become a lawyer. With an HLS degree under his belt, Story prac- ticed law for two years, only to drop everything, move to Rome, and become a sculptor. Bet his parents were happy with that life choice. Of all the men in Annenberg, Story was the only one to create his own bust. FM suspects he had no problem with self- confidence.
Directly to Story’s left is James Russell Lowell, also sculpted by Story. Story and Lowell both graduated in 1838, attended Harvard Law School together afterwards, and once spent a winter in Italy together. That’s like you sculpting a bust of your roommate or that cute guy in your entryway—yeah, kind of weird.
We’re going to fly past Christopher Gore, Class of 1776, John Parker Jr., and George Hayward, Class of 1809, and stop at the one and only W.E.B. DuBois, Class of 1890. DuBois was the first Afri- can American to receive a Ph.D. from Harvard and he also helped
to create the NAACP. His famous idea of the “Talented Tenth” rein- forced the importance of a liberal education for the most talented African-American youth. If he were around today, he’d probably be a huge fan of the General Education program.
Perched next to DuBois is Charles Sumner, Class of 1830. You might not remember him from those long-ago days of high school APUSH, but you should. This Harvard graduate took a beating on the Senate floor from one of his South Carolinian peers for speak- ing out against slavery.
The next bust in line is Samuel Appleton. Based on his knitted brows and decidedly disturbed countenance, we think he’s not so delighted that the church he personally financed in Harvard Yard, Appleton Chapel, carries the larger name of “Memorial Church.”
Sweeping over Benjamin Bussey and Charles Russell Lowell Jr., Class of 1854, the next bust on the West Wall is William Francis Bartlett, Class of 1862. Bartlett actually left Harvard before com- pleting his work as an undergraduate, but he made the University proud as a private in the Civil War. He also has a rather impressive mustache.
Continuing on the north wall, John Thornton Kirkland, Class of 1789 and the 15th president of Harvard, was a member of the Hasty Pudding Theatricals during his time here at Harvard. He also has a House named after him. FM wonders how he would feel about Incestfest.
Not to say that those who weren’t mentioned aren’t super important, too—we just couldn’t find anything about them that would make you laugh.
So next time you’re stuffing your face, laughing with friends, or finishing an assignment that’s due in 15 minutes, look around at the creepy marble men watching you eat. They were all pretty cool.