News

Anthropology Dept. Forms Eight Committees in Response to Harassment and Gender Bias Concerns

News

Harvard Cancels Summer 2021 Study Abroad Programming

News

UC Showcases Project Shedding Light on How Harvard Uses Student Data

News

Four Bank Robberies Strike Cambridge in Three Weeks

News

After a Rocky Year, Harvard Faces an Uncertain Economic Climate in 2021, Hollister Says

The FutureTea Leaves and Taurus

By John G. Short

jan, 15 -H-R X holds University Hall for 12 hours demanding "a new style of leadership amongst the father figures of our administration." They call Dean May "a marine, a Texan, and a cultural hangover from the macabre fifties."

Jan. 19- The Beatles' Get Back album is released in stores in this country. It includes cuts called "Blue Suede Shoes." "Silly Sister Celina." and "Groovy. If You Can Dig h." It sells 5,648,355 copies in the first six days. Reviewer Andy Klein, writing in the CRIMSON, calls it "the most remarkable musical innovation of the decade." While BAD rock critie Ken Emerson co-reviewing the album with releases by the Gratcfui Dead and Terry Reid, says "the Beaules have dropped to a point of musical insignificance."

February

Feb. 14 -The Committee of Rights and Responsibilities suspends 17 students in five categories and warns 27 others in three categories for their roles in the 11-R X demonstration. The severed students are found to have "severely hassled" Dean May.

Feb 15-65 per cent of the students don't attend classes in seeming support for the "Valentine's Day 17" The University News Office releases a statement saying attendance at classes was normal. H-R X issues a press release confirming that that was the normal attendance.

Feb. 24 -A small, new record company. The Family Jam Inc., releases a double album set of "soul-folk" songs by Charlie Manson, alleged ritual murderer of Sharon Tate and five others. Advance orders have already made if a gold record. Manson signs a new contract with Columbia Records in the afternoon.

March

Mar. 19 -Sales of Cupid's Quiver five flavors of douche continue to rise.

Mar. 23 -H-R YAF (Young Americans for Freedom) and H-R YPSI. (Young People's Socialist League) each muster their entire numbers on the turf over the Mem Hall underpass at dawn for a duel to settle their differences. Laszlo Pasztor, the Hungarian refugee who founded YAF, and Steven Kelman, the middle class Jew who created YPSL, fire simultaneously and kill each other. Their memberships cut in half, both organizations dissolve.

Mar. 27 -Carbon dating tests discover the Pyramids of Egypt to be only 1100 years old-mere fakes thrown up by capricious monarchs during the idleness of the Dark Ages.

April

Apr. 12 -The first issue of The National Lampoon hits the newsstands. Every living Harvard alumnus buys a copy. Every living Harvard alumnus in a position of corporate power has had his corporation put an ad in it. There are ads for General Dynamics, Dow Chemical, Lockheed Aircraft, Raytheon, and many other companies. The cover story is a "lampoon" of defense industries.

Apr. 17 -Khrushchev's birthday.

Apr. 24 -The engines of a giant 747 jet flying over Manhattan fail when they are unable to carry on combustion due to lack of oxygen. All 360 passengers and crewmen are killed along with the 143 residents of the apartments it hits in Brooklyn.

Apr. 25 -The Commonwealth of Massachusetts takes Harvard Stadium by eminent domain and refuses to lease it to Harvard on the weekends when the Boston Patriots play home games. Harvard, having given tacit support to the principle of eminent domain in the famous Cambridge NASA Center fiasco, is in no position to object. The Harvard Varsity Club, the second largest independent corporation in Massachusetts, lets it be known that unless Harvard provides the football team with a stadium by the fall of 1970, they will move elsewhere.

May

May 8 -An impromptu coalition of ecology groups, New College people, and so-called existentialists inaugurates for the second year a plan for the mass refusal to take final exams. If 2000 of the 6000 undergraduates sign the statement, they will refuse to take finals in all of their essay-oriented courses, and will offer to write papers instead. The Dean of the College says he is dismayed.

May 18 -WSA liberates University Hall for the last-and final time. They give it to Mayor Vellucci' as a gesture of friendship towards the working people of Cambridge.

May 26 -Andy Warhol dies in his sleep.

June

June 11 -We all graduate from collage.

June 15 -The Bunker Hill and Washington Monuments are blown to smithereens by paramilitary attack forces from women's liberation coops striking in the early morning hours. Their press release says only that the reasons should be obvious, even to males.

June 20 -Charlie Manson, the recording star, buys the elegant Beverly Hills, California, house of film director Roman Polanski.

July

July 4 -Behind a mortar, bazooka, and machinegun barrage, the Weathermen capture and demolish the Whitehall induction center in New York City as a tribute to the first American revolution.

July 9 -The 202,000 ton supertanker, Tanksalot, breaks up off Plymouth, Massachusetts, in a storm while carrying a full load of Coca-Cola syrup. Things go better in Massachusetts Bay for the next three months.

July 22 -The Rolling Stones release a new album, Go On Up. 6,083,477 are bought in the first week. Lyrics of the songs tell listeners to "get high" and "blast off."

August

Aug. 15 -Henri Perrin, 27 year-old semi-successful rive gauche painter, draws in chalk on the sidewalk of the Boulevard Saint Michel that he will fast until all the killing is stopped.

September

Sept. 1 -The Boston Herald Traveler publishes its last edition and folds. Former staff member Paul J. Corkery eulogizes it in the Harvard Alumni Bulletin: "Ou uont ses reporteurs en autumne?"

Sept. 14 -Egypt announces a "highly successful" test of an atom bomb.

Sept. 15 -Israel detonates a Flouristan 238 Neutrino Anti-matter Fission Device (carried in a briefcase into the middle of the Sinai Peninsula) parting the Red Sea and setting fire to a limited sector of the firmament in what Israeli spokesmen term a "satisfactory test."

Sept. 23 -Frank Zappa's wife gives birth to another child, which they name Nylon Zappa.

Sept. 32 -Riot by white middle class adults in Newton, where they burn their own neighborhoods and shoot each other on the streets in an orgy of guilt.

October

Oct. 2 -Harvard employees and radical students band together to form what they call a "worker-student alliance." A truck driver from B and G walks off the job with his sleeves rolled up, and slams WSA organizer Jared Israel on the back saying. "We've always been sold out by company unions: the students are our only true allies."

Oct. 15 -The Charles River catches fire.

Oct. 16 -The Fire Department, trying to extinguish it with their hoses, floods the city spreading the fire everywhere.

Oct. 17 -They finally put the fire out by dousing the flames with Bay State low-octane Regular, for which Mother Bay State, on behalf of the Bay State-Sinclair Oil Company, presents the Boston Fire Department with 60,000 green plastic "Dino" dinosaurs.

Oct. 36 -Daisies in Art Linkletter's wallpaper come alive and strangle him in his bedroom.

November

Nov. 9 -The little fishes and mites of the sea march out of the waters at dawn and terrorize the villagers in seacoast towns by dancing in the streets and kicking the neighborhood poodles.

Nov. 13 -God suspends the Law of Gravitation at the first turn on the Mystic River Bridge. Car after car goes shooting into the air over the Boston Naval Shipyard.

Nov. 23 -Residents of Hannibal, Missouri, find the Mississippi River flowing north for the first time they can remember.

Nov. 24 -The Harvard University Press publishes an edition of I Ching.

Nov. 29 -Pink, orange, purple, and green clouds drift through the skies over Boston. Small ones cruise down to the Government Center, zoom around City Hall, and leave towards the sea.

Nov. 38 -Noted LSD researcher Felinius D. Cat reaches the revelation: "Water! That's what it's all about. Water is the only thing which is constant. It flows into us. It passes out of us. We, ourselves, are 90 per cent water. We are just fancy transporters that water has come up with to amuse itself. We come and go, existencewise. Water is always here. Water means."

December

Dec. 3 -Richard Nixon, cornered and shouted at by most of the members of his Cabinet, his head swirling with confusion and paranoia, reaches for his briefcase and pushes the nuclear button. In 85 minutes all the major cities of the world have been destroyed, etc.

Dec. 4 -Copies of the New York Times, carrying banner headlines and complete coverage of the events from correspondents around the world, are sold out early to souvenir hunters. Knicks Top Suns in Late Rally, 117-111. Before Capacity Crowd-In Garden.

Dec. 25 -The trees of Hyannis Port, Massachusetts, hold candles and sway back and forth singing Christmas carols to the Kennedys.

Dec. 26 -At 6 a.m. the Sacred Cod hanging high in the state Capitol in Boston winces at the thought of another day. He raises a syringe, gropes for a vein beneath his scales, and sticks it in. He curls his upper lip back and neighs like a horse.

Guevara

Gva. 15 -Russia and the United States form an international banking cartel to combat the economic assault of the growing world-wide chain of Mao Tse-Tung Hand Laundries and Signor Ho Pizza restaurants. (The latter is a burgeoning international corporation in which all Latin American and third world nations own one share.)

Gva. 16 -The U.S. nationalizes all Mao Tsetung Hand Laundries and Signor Ho Pizza restaurants.

Gva. 17 -All Latin American and third world nations land troops in the U.S. to protect the lives and property of their nationals.

Gva. 19 -President Nixon, on the advice of his psychiatrist, resists Pentagon pressure to nuke Cleveland, Boston, and New York, strongholds where the enemy troops have been able to gather because all our forces were off resolving a grassfire war between Chile and Laos.

Gva. 173 -Police in Seattle, Des Moines, Omaha, Dayton, and Berkelcy raid the Black Panther Party headquarters in their cities. But as they open fire, Quaker Puffed Wheat is shot from their guns. The wary Panthers off them all.

Gva. 178 -Attorney General Mitchell "solves" the Civil Rights problem by issuing an executive order to re-enslave all Blacks in the United States.

Gva. 179 -A respected Boston Black leader (identified by the only Bay Stater on President Nixon's special investigative committee on slavery, President L. Gard Wiggins of Harvard, as "Mister Shingaling 37X Boogaloo or something...") brings suit against the Justice Department on the grounds that the administration's move violates the first, second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, eighth, ninth, tenth, eleventh, twelfth, and thirteenth amendments to the Constitution. The Government argues that all said amendments are unconstitutional because Blacks weren't allowed to vote on them.

Gva. 180 -Nonetheless, the Supreme Court rules 8-0 that "Blacks must be emancipated with all deliberate speed." Justice Hugo Black, mistakenly returned to Mississippi under the Fugitive Slave Act, was the only member of the court not voting.

Gva. 181-202 -More riots in Chestnut Hill, Brookline, Newton Upper Falls, Newton Lower Falls, Waban, Newton Highlands, Newton Centre, West Newton, and Nahant.

Want to keep up with breaking news? Subscribe to our email newsletter.

Tags