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By Mike Bass


"Boston Red Sox, Sandy speaking. May I help you?"

"Uh, yes. Hello Sandy, I'am calling from The Harvard Crimson. I'm coming down to Florida over spring break and I wondered about setting up some interviews with a few of the players. I've never been to spring training you know. High school vacations, they were in April. In April, Florida doesn't have much to offer besides Lion Country Safari and a few pretty girls. Well, maybe more than a few. But March. Baseball..."

"Well, some interviews can probably be arranged. Let me check that for you. Harvard, right?"

"Yah, that's it. Hey, by the way Sandy, how the old Bosox doing these days? I've been so wrapped up in ECAC hockey and Folk and Myth 100 that I'm not really up on the baseball news."

"Oh, the usual. Rice is belting the ball and the execs. Hold please." Click. Boy that Jim Rice. Always a hitter.

Click. "Hello. Mr. Crimson?"

"Right here."

"Mr.Sullivan will speak with you now."

"Mr. Sullivan? Haywood Sullivan?"

"That's right. Hold for a moment please. "Click. Rrrring.

"Hello, Haywood Sullivan speaking."

"Hi Mr. Sullivan. I'am calling from The Harward Crimson. I'm going to be in Florida next week and I was wondering about setting up interviews with a few of the players."

"I think that can be arranged. Who did you want to talk to?"

"Well, how about starting with old number 19, Freddy Lynn? You know, picture-perfect swing, best damn centerfielder around."

"I'm sorry, but Fred Lynn blah blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah money, blah blah no contract, blah blah hurt too often, blah blah blah. Blah blah Angels."

"What?! No Fred Lynn?! I don't believe it. Of all the stupid, idiotic-Oh, excuse me. Mr. Sullivan. Uh, well, if I can't talk to Lynn, how about the Rooster--Rick Burleson. Best shortstop in the league, real gusty too. He'd make a great story."

"I'm sorry, but Rick Burleson blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah money, blah blah six years, blah blah pain in the neck. Blah blah Angels too. Blah."

Now wait just a minute here. You gave the Angels Lynn and Burleson? Two of the best middle-of-the-field players in baseball? Who the hell do you think you are Mr. H.S.? Huh? Look, set me up with Carlton Fisk. He's not only a great catcher, but he speaks his mind. I want to know what he thinks of all this."

"Carlton Fisk blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah money, blah blah blah blah late contract, blah blah blah free agent. Blah blah blah blah blah."

"Tell me, H.S., you fielding a team or what? I've just about had enough of this. I'm starting to think H.S. stands for 'Hey, Stupid.' See you later."

" about Chico Walker..." Click.

Damn Red Sox, always messing things up, Rrrrring.

"California Angels, Mary speaking. May I help you?"

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