The Inside Dope


THE GINSBURG "dope" controversy led to an amusing turnaround in the American government. Democrats, normally not keen on the anti-drug fanatacism of the Reagan Administration, suddenly are assuming a position of moral outrage. Republicans, coming oft a seven-year tirade against the ingestion of anything besides caviar and water, suddenly are saying "just say occasionally."

To celebrate their radically new "at least he wasn't an addict" philosophy, the Reagans hosted a pot party at the White House. They greeted the press in tie-dyed shirts and peace-sign necklaces.

"Hey, dudes, welcome and, like, everybody help yourself to some heinous devil-weed," said Nancy, toking hard from a gold plated roach-clip.

Reagan responded with a humongous grin and dilated pupils: "Right on, Old Lady! Right on!"

Although on that particular night a good time was had by all, Judge Douglas Ginsburg still was compelled to rescind his bid for a seat on the Supreme Court. This set off a chain reaction in the government. As each new nominee was embroiled in controversy and rejected by the Senate, the administration's policy of leniency constantly had to be expanded. Samples of the confirmation hearings for the next few nominees after Bork and Ginsburg follow.



Press: "Sir, there are rumors that you drank a beer while underage at prep-school."

Nominee: "I regret strongly this grave mistake of my youth."

Reagan: "He regrets it. He wasn't an alcoholic, and, well...I really don't mind if kids drink now and then, do I Nancy?"

Nancy: "No, dear--it's O.K., as long as they do not get abortions or use cuss words when they are drunk. The nomination stands."



Press: "Sir, we have proof that as a young law school student you pleaded with your girlfriend to have an abortion, and she finally did."

Nominee: "I stand fully by the conservative views of this administration, and if I did foolish things as a youth I hereby regret them."

Reagan: "Now, now, I may have said abortion wasn't the optimum form of birth control in the past, but I certainly would not condemn someone for it. The nomination stands."