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The Inside Dope


By Eric Pulier

THE GINSBURG "dope" controversy led to an amusing turnaround in the American government. Democrats, normally not keen on the anti-drug fanatacism of the Reagan Administration, suddenly are assuming a position of moral outrage. Republicans, coming oft a seven-year tirade against the ingestion of anything besides caviar and water, suddenly are saying "just say occasionally."

To celebrate their radically new "at least he wasn't an addict" philosophy, the Reagans hosted a pot party at the White House. They greeted the press in tie-dyed shirts and peace-sign necklaces.

"Hey, dudes, welcome and, like, everybody help yourself to some heinous devil-weed," said Nancy, toking hard from a gold plated roach-clip.

Reagan responded with a humongous grin and dilated pupils: "Right on, Old Lady! Right on!"

Although on that particular night a good time was had by all, Judge Douglas Ginsburg still was compelled to rescind his bid for a seat on the Supreme Court. This set off a chain reaction in the government. As each new nominee was embroiled in controversy and rejected by the Senate, the administration's policy of leniency constantly had to be expanded. Samples of the confirmation hearings for the next few nominees after Bork and Ginsburg follow.


Press: "Sir, there are rumors that you drank a beer while underage at prep-school."

Nominee: "I regret strongly this grave mistake of my youth."

Reagan: "He regrets it. He wasn't an alcoholic, and, well...I really don't mind if kids drink now and then, do I Nancy?"

Nancy: "No, dear--it's O.K., as long as they do not get abortions or use cuss words when they are drunk. The nomination stands."



Press: "Sir, we have proof that as a young law school student you pleaded with your girlfriend to have an abortion, and she finally did."

Nominee: "I stand fully by the conservative views of this administration, and if I did foolish things as a youth I hereby regret them."

Reagan: "Now, now, I may have said abortion wasn't the optimum form of birth control in the past, but I certainly would not condemn someone for it. The nomination stands."

Nancy: "I've always said that woman should have the right to control their own bodies."


AFTER TWO more setbacks, Reagan became desperate to settle the matter. Since every nominee's past was found to be tarnished, and the "liberalization" of Reagan was getting out of hand, the administration decided to go for higher profile figures who still shared the President's philosophy, but might have more clout with the Senate.


Press: "Sir, we have reason to believe that you are dishonest in the way that you acquire money from your followers. Your moral character is in question over this matter..

Nominee Oral Roberts: "What? An outrage! I have never stolen a penny...well, maybe a penny here and there, but not really. I mean, I'm pretty honest...well, not honest as such, but well...let's just say that I have never killed anyone in cold blood with a gun at a range of less than five feet."

Press: "What about that time in..."

Nominee Oral Roberts: "Enough questions, sinner. If I am not confirmed as a Supreme Court Justice, the Lord said that he would call me home."

Reagan: "Now, look fellas, I've never said that stealing was immoral--sometimes people must steal in order to get food in this decadent American capitalist society. Furthermore, we have a civic responsibility to protect the life of this good man. God made a threat, and who are we to risk its validity. The nomination stands."



REAGAN WAS a broken man--not only were his nominations mocked openly, but now he was a liberal. However, the opportunity to place someone on the Supreme Court was far too great to let go. Somehow Reagan had to get an appropriate candidate nominated. After an intense meeting with George Bush, a decision was made--the President resigned in order for himself to become the nominee for the supreme court.


President Bush: I came here today to assure you that I will stand by my nomination of Ronald Reagan to the Supreme Court...but now that I think about it, he doesn't really posesses a philosophy that coincides with that of his administration anymore.

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