They Lead a Lonely Life
We're not sure if The Crimson has an official editorial position on this, but we like dogs. Cats, too, though maybe a little less.
So we were upset to hear that the Yard will now become a Pet-Free Zone. We understand concerns about allergies, and we know an un-housetrained puppy might be bad news. Our main concern, though, is loneliness.
First-years live in big rooming groups. They always have lots of company--sometimes too much. Proctors live alone. In singles. Who can they talk to?
We think perhaps fish and hamsters might be allowed by this new Yard policy, but honestly, that might not be adequate. Hamsters are warm-blooded, but tend have difficulty fetching your slippers. Fish are reliable--they never seem to sleep--but they're not the most affectionate companions.
Now, lonely proctors will have to rely on visits from standard dormitory fauna: spiders, roaches, and mice. Dunster ants may visit intermittently, but they never call first.
What will our lonely proctors do? Where will they find companionship? Perhaps they'll have to spend a little more time advising students. Just for the company, of course.
So they're thinking about finally changing the exam schedule so that Harvard works like most other normal collges. Not a bad idea--except for one glitch. That glorious winter reading period.
There's something about January at Harvard that makes it a procrastination winter wonderland. Sledding down Widener steps on dining hall trays. Staying at the same dining hall table from lunch to dinner. Tossing snowballs. Hurling snowballs. Beaming snowballs. Anything but studying.
If we had exams before winter break, we'd have to come back to Harvard and work. We'd have to trudge to the Yard for classes instead of putting off the library for another day. We'd have to wear duck boots--all the time. January just wouldn't be the same.
Sucking for Dollars
Yale sucks; that's self-evident. Now, more than ever, because now in addition to generally sucking, Yale is also broke.
Here at The Crimson, we're charitable. We want to help. And we've got an idea that just might work. Can you say, "Corporate Sponsorship?"
Every sporting event and convention center in the country is jumping on the bandwagon. And lots of companies probably wouldn't mind attaching their names toa a major American institution, even if it did suck.
So imagine: Orangina's Yale University. Or maybe Yale could sell of different parts of itself, to maximize profits: The Toyota Faculty of Yale University.
We suppose we could sell rights to The Game, too, but we doubt Harvard would settle for anything less than The Rolex Game. And Rolex probably isn't interested.