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PLEASE DON'T CANE THEM

A Summary of Views, Commentary and Sometimes Comedy.

By David H. Goldbrenner

Last week three students in Mather House were caught trying to install a satellite dish on the roof of the house. They weren't arrested, but disciplinary action of some sort is almost certain. Normally, we'd leave these heinous felons to the fate they so richly deserve, but given the arbitrary and harsh nature of College justice, we thought we'd write a plea on their behalf.

Last month, as we all know, a student was put on probation by the Administrative Board for the shocking crime of making a prank call to Room 13. If a permanent blot on your transcript can result from pretending to be a first-year during a two-minute utterly inoffensive prank call, we shudder to think what will happen to the three unlucky Matherites.

Consulting our Dartboard staff attorney, the possible penalties seem draconian indeed. If the students are charged by the Ad Board with "B&E" i.e. breaking and exiting, they could be sentenced to three months of light yard work at President Rudenstine's house. On the other hand, if the dread charge of "behavior unbecoming a Harvard student" is raised, they could all receive a spanking from every member of the Harvard Corporation, and the registrar will be instructed to dip their transcripts in tuna oil before mailing them to potential employers.

And so we urge the administration, with all our heart, to spare these unfortunate products of a broken home the ruthless and arbitrary judgements of the Ad Board. All they wanted was to watch a little Beavis and Butthead. Have mercy, good sirs!

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