Before He Kicks The Bucket

Still got time to kill before Commencement? Walt has a senior’s guide to the final days

My roommate Eli S. Kupperman ’09 made a senior bucket list a few months ago. It included streaking Harvard Yard, visiting Harpoon Brewery, and jumping off Weeks Footbridge.

Done, done, and done, twice, then I did it another seven times just because.

If you doubt me, I will fly away on my majestic steed. So, respect ya’ deck, if you know what I mean.

Nonetheless, Eli got me thinking of some more ideas for things that every Harvard senior needs to do. Some of these, I have done. Others, I hope one day, or in the next day or two, to do, and do it hard.

1. Build a sled and slide down Widener steps. This is great for many reasons: one, sledding kicks ass, two, snow rules, and three, speed is way better than not-speed.

Special challenge time: use a HUDS Dining Hall tray instead of a sled. Super challenge time: build the sled entirely out of beer.

2. Pretend you’re really attractive and funny and sensitive, and get a really pretty, sweet girl to fall in love with you and then play baseball.

3. Ride a dragon.

4. Invent a bouncy cage that never deflates, bounces really high, was once used by Rutherford B. Hayes, and can fly.

5. Watch Stepbrothers eight times in the span of two days and memorize it because it’s the best movie ever and anyone who hates Will Ferrell will have the smack laid down on their candy ass.

6. Become a dragon.

7. Manage a baseball team without letting anyone else know.

8. Host something in your room called a “crotch party.” Don’t tell anyone what it is. Just send out a Facebook invitation to everyone you know, including that girl from freshman year in Lionel who you never talked to after puking while hooking up.

9. Live every week like it’s shark week for one week.

10. Commit a crime, and then watch cops, and then watch yourself on cops. Meta.

11. Walk around to your classes all day wearing a Batman suit. When asked why you are wearing it, simply respond by saying, “I’m doing thesis research.”

12. When your friend’s mom comes for graduation, always gel your hair around her and insist on referring to her as Madame and bring her flowers and make vague comments to your friend about turning over a new leaf and buttsex.

13. Use, just once, a quotation from Thomas Jefferson to indignantly justify yourself to a professor or other authority figure.

14. Win a Purple Heart.

15. Use your Viking skills to score an entrance visa to Minnesota, and then take the dairy-creamery business by storm using wit and courage to win over the consumers of the Southwest.

16. Drink 100 cans of Bawls in one sitting and chill with Death for a little while in HeartAttack City before escaping gloriously on the wings of an angel who looks strangely like Drew G. Faust.

17. Play Super Smash Brothers on Nintendo 64 until you enter a new dimension. In said new dimension, hang out with Tupac, who is still living, but in the infinite that is no time or space.

18. Jam with someone who rocks professionally.

19. Be the man (or woman), just for one day.

20. Take it to the max not because you have to, but because Vin Diesel tells you to. Concurrently, meet Vin Diesel.

—H. Max Huber ’09, Jake D. Segal ’09, Andrew R. Granoff ’09, and Clem D. Wright ’09 contributed to the reporting of this story while watching Stepbrothers in my room at 2:00 a.m. College!