The Flip Side

In response to the recent outbreak of obscene phone calls to Radcliffe girls, the Radcliffe administration has ordered suspicious calls to the dormitories to be referred to a special number and monitored. Here is the transcript of one such conversation.

BELLS GIRL: Hello, Comstock Hall. May I help you?

CAMBRIDGE YOUTH: Sally dere?

BELLS: Sally who?

CAMBRIDGE YOUTH: Gee, I metter ata mixuh, she got brown hayuh.

BELLS: Just a moment, please. (Buzzes.)

JOAN: Hello?

CAM. YOU.: Sally dere?

JOAN: Sally? Oh, why yes, this is Sally. Who is this?

CAM. YOU.: James Bond, kid. I'm the picha-takin man for the real sliks, Playboy's Life, and I wanna take a pikchov YOU.

JOAN: Really?

CAM. YOU.: Yeah, I seen yarounda campus lookingood, an I wanna getcha pickcha ina bathin soot.

JOAN: Well thank you very much,

Mr. Bond but I'm really not sure that I should you know, because--

CAM. YOU.: Anif ya look real good in a bathin soot, we can sorta (heh heh) make it lika convertible an tryit widda top down, 'fya get what I mean (heh heh).

JOAN: Oh, well in that case...

CAM. YOU.: F'my magazine you can be a regylah innovatah, we got some not new bottomless barhin soots moreover also.

JOAN: Oh, good.

CAM. YOU.: What? --I mean, 'fyer really innerested, da potentialzunlimitimid, I mean, baby when can we gedagether, I mean I never heard nothin like it befowah.

JOAN: Do you know kerezza?

CAM. YOU.: Shuwah, she been workwitme ona magazine fowa longtime, grea'girl, Karezza.

JOAN: No, I mean, karezza, coitus reservatus.

CAM. YOU.: Whazzat? --Hold on a minute other phone's ringin. (Muffled) Heyyouguys, wheah's Cautious Rivers? ...(Boldly) Wudja spellit, please?

JOAN: C-o-i-t-u-s r-e-s-e-r-v-a-t-u-s.

CAM. YOU.: (Muffled) She says...(Long pause. Then muffled:) Omigod, no kiddin. (Boldly) Shuwah, an lemme tellya--

JOAN: How about cunnilinctus?

CAM. YOU.: Hold on a minute. (Pause, muffled voices. Then:) Well, yeah I know what it is, but I'ma pikcha-takin man, see, anduh--

JOAN: What about coitus interruptus or frottage?

CAM YOU.: Hey, listen whatas mattahwidcha, ya funny or somepin?

JOAN: Contrectation, detumescence, inflammation, or senescence?

CAM. YOU.: So all right ifya don't wanna take a lousy piksha, I'll get somebody--

JOAN: Pedicatio on the patio or rhabdomes in the retina?

CAM. YOU.: Hey, cuditout!

JOAN: Hyphedonia with a begonia, and recursive enumerability?

CAM. YOU.: Cuditout, I said!

JOAN: Rings and homology over topology, endocrinology up your morphology?

CAM YOU.: I'M ONLY SIXTEEN AN I COULD GET IN A LOTTA TROUBLE FOR STUFF LIKE DAT, YOU BETTAH WATCHIT--PERVERTI (Click.)