AROUND THE IVIES: Surprising Collapse Opens Up Ivy Football Title Race

Around the Ivies

Let’s pretend that last Saturday afternoon at around 3:30 pm, I was hanging out with That’s So Raven, who told me that one of the following two situations was going to occur.

A) Drew Faust announces she is resigning her presidency, and after leaving their respective spouses, she and Larry Summers elope in Swaziland, where they plan to spend the rest of their lives living among native tribes. The happy couple are taking their wedding vows when all of a sudden the Winkelvoss twins appear and declare that Summers had stolen what was originally their idea to elope in Swaziland with Faust.

Meanwhile, back in the United States, Jeremy Lin runs into Justin Timberlake and has the following conversation.

Jeremy: Hey Justin, congrats on your marriage.

Justin: Thanks man, congrats on the new contract.

Jeremy: Thanks, luckily there are no strings attached.

Justin: An N’Sync joke? Really? The ’90s called, and they want their references back.

Jeremy: Whatever, cry me a river, man.

Justin: Who are you to trash my career? If it wasn’t for Toney Douglas’ unbelievable awfulness and Mike Bibby’s tragic death, nobody would even know who you are right now.

Jeremy: Well, that’s not what the Rockets think. I just signed a $28 million contract.

Justin [laughing]: 28 million. That’s cute. I’m pretty sure that’s what I tipped my waitress last night. Newsflash, Jeremy, $28 million isn’t cool. You know what’s cool?

Jeremy: A billion dollars?

Justin: Nah, man. Power. Power is cool. I’m out.

Jeremy: Bye, bye, bye.

Justin’s parting words—“Power. Power is cool”—stick in Jeremy’s head, leading him to make a snap decision. He ignores his current plans—which were only cooking dinner for Chandler Parsons, anyway—and instead retires from the NBA, gets on the next plane to Boston, and replaces Faust as president of Harvard.