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By Erica X Eisen, Crimson Staff Writer

Dear members of the Crimson community,

As you may know, at the end of each year The Crimson’s executives meet to elect their successors. While a little bit late to the game, I would like to humbly submit my candidacy for the position of president of The Harvard Crimson. Below are some of my policy proposals for the coming year.

WRITER RETENTION: Retain writers. Detain writers. Lock them inside the building and do not let them escape. While they claw desperately at the windowpanes and call out for help to the unhearing passersby outside, release an odorless tranquilizing gas that will slowly suffuse the air. As the writers lose consciousness, stroke their heads gently and reassure them that it will all be over soon. And when they awaken, they will find themselves in a room lit only by the warm glow of a computer screen, the cursor of a word document blinking insistently, impelling them to write. And they shall write. Ceaselessly, ceaselessly, they shall write. And they shall never leave us. Ever.

LIBEL: I understand just how important it is to make sure that our paper is free of libel. That’s why as president, I will randomly insert libellous content into every daily issue to ensure maximum vigilance on the part of the Managing Editor. Madeline R. Conway ’16, you have been warned.

MULTIMEDIA CONTENT: Thoughtful, thorough multimedia content should be paired with every piece we publish. As president, I will push to make sure that all of our articles are accompanied by photography, video, epic poetry, a seasonal and locally sourced apéritif, a Soviet-inspired montage film depicting everyday life in the city of Odessa, and a complimentary lemon-scented moist towelette.

BOARD MERGERS: Combine sports and business. Combine news and design. Combine all boards to create a super dense mass pulsating with the heat of a thousand suns. And we shall explode outwards, engulfing planets and stars and the emptiest reaches of the known and unknown universe. And then we shall forge a new universe, one governed by our laws and our desires. And ours shall be a harsh justice, and we shall show no mercy.

–Something something interboard collaboration

WEB PRESENCE: As the importance of digital media grows, we need to be asking ourselves, “What is the role of The Crimson’s website?” And really, what is a website? What is the internet? What is a computer? If your grandmother asked you these questions, how far would you actually be able to get before pointing dumbly at a wall socket, pawing at the air, and just barely restraining yourself from making some sort of tubes-based analogy? How the hell is it that you spend umpteen hours a day hooked up to a device that you cannot even begin to explain? My God, if an asteroid hit Earth today and civilization was wiped out, would you even be able to feed yourself? These are the questions I will be answering during my presidency.

Respectfully submitted,

Erica X Eisen

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