Disclaimer: The only people who were qualified to write this did not. Some of this was personal vendetta, some of it still is, but all of it is real. Just like astrological signs.
Pisces: Trevor J. Levin
Like all Pisces, Trevor Levin (née Manbun) is a sensitive young man who is passionate about theater playing his guitar, and cooking extravagant feasts of PBR, his favourite beer. When he used to have long flowing locks like Jesus, people mistook him for a professional flutist or Napoleon Dynamite in that ice skating movie. Now that he doesn’t have long hair, he is neither. Trevor may be a fish, but he is a dreamer: JUST look at his vintage Fleetwood Mac t-shirt.
Capricorn: Grace Z. Li
Hardworking, vigilant, steadfast—Grace Li fits all of the above. Grace, or “Mountainous Goat” as we call her at The Crimson, is a natural born leader. Don’t be surprised to learn that Grace is the prime example of Capricorns because she is an actual goat—beautiful, gleaming horns and all. Listen to her discuss Bronte literature or poetry and you will be amazed not only at her insight, but also at her ability to talk. She is an animal, after all. If you happen to run into her, feel free to feed her stolen Lamont textbooks.
Cancer: J. Thomas Westbrook
Is he J? Is he Thomas? What does the J even stand for? In truth, we will never know. Like all Cancers, Thomas is good at walking side-to-side. He loves cooking shows and sushi, which is ironic because CANCERS are crabs. Though CANCERS are known for their clinginess and hypersensitivity, Thomas has none of that. He is a Kant man through and through, mainly because he reads Kant. That’s not him over there crying over his imminent departure from Harvard. No really, that isn’t him. That’s Aziz.
Aquarius: Kaylee S. Kim
Kaylee Kim, the girl with the glass of water. Kaylee is the ultimate babe of the zodiac signs and of the Arts Board—cool, calm, and free spirited. Don’t mistake her stony silence and ice cold stares for misanthropy—it’s called independence. She’s the true hippie of the board and not just because of the flared jeans or her love of ~theatre~, but because she plays the wokest instrument, which is obviously the cello. Did someone say “shaka khan?”
Taurus: Mila Gauvin II
Another editor with a mysterious name. Everytime we see her names, the question arises: who is Mila Gauvin I? Mila is tough, stubborn, and does everything she puts her mind to, like all Taurus. Besides her incredible work ethic and perseverance, Mila has another great Taurus quality: a fantastic appetite. You might think this is a joke about her being a great Books editor with a voracious appetite, but it’s not. This is a real warning. Don’t go to Cabot Brain Break after Mila has gone. There will be nothing left.
You might think that Petra is just a Croatian writer, editor, and student, but that isn’t true. She is also Slovenian. Like the stereotypical Scorpio, Petra is passionate. Particularly about her indie music. If it is a song that sounds like a Mario Kart video game and has more than three foreign characters, then it has to be “mad good.” Petra also has a strong passion for The Economist, Paris Hilton, long showers, and Slavic Squats.
The stereotype for Geminis is that they’re two-faced. Aline, the overachiever she is, goes beyond that—she actually has a split personality disorder. After 10 p.m. every night, the kombucha-brewing, oil-pulling, Jane-Austen-reading Aline is gone, and Gigi comes alive. Gigi will burn your Chinese textbook, your marshmallows, and especially your kale, because she only eats carbs. However, she will not burn down the Pfoho Jordans, mainly because she wants to live there again next year.
Sagittarius: Tianxing V. Lan
Like any Sagittarius, Vincent is brutally honest. The outgoing film exec will say it as it is, especially if your movie is bad, is not inspired by French post-structuralism, or just so happens to be called “The Neon Demon.” However, not even the stars can reveal what he actually thinks about “Shrek.” His flowing long coat and the magic he works with words might remind you of a Harry Potter wizard, but that reference is probably too lowbrow for Vincent. He is actually much more like Guillaume in Godard’s “La Chinoise,” thank you very much.
Leo: Elizabeth C. Keto
Elizabeth, the king of the jungle. Grace may be a goat, but her predecessor Elizabeth is the GOAT (and a fierce lioness). It’s not only her fiery red mane that makes her the ruler of the group of monkeys that is the Arts Board (and an occasional member of the Bovidae family—does anyone really know what the difference between Aries and Capricorns is?). It’s also that she will literally rip you to pieces and eat you if you resort to “Shrek” as your answer again. We’re pretty sure Elizabeth is a feminist, though, so down with the patriarchal “king” part. She is our queen.
Virgo: Noah F. Houghton
Beep, beep, who got the keys to the jeep? Not Noah Houghton, but he does have his scooter and it does go VROOOOOOM. Missy Elliott aside, Virgos love practicality, and what is more practical than a scooter? Nothing. So, VROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM.
Aries: Caroline A. Tsai
There is nothing Aries dislike more than inactivity, and there is nothing Caroline dislikes more than Snapchat inactivity. Do not watch her stories if you’re not connected to WiFi, because it will eat up all your data. And eat up is the appropriate phrase here, as one of Caroline’s excellent qualities is that, much like Gigi, she definitely eats crabs (Not J. Thomas! The only cannibalism we will tolerate is Elizabeth’s … and maybe J. Thomas’ if he wants to eat himself in a nice uramaki roll). Oh not crabs, carbs!
Libra: Aziz B. Yakub
Honestly, like any Libra, Aziz is actually super nice, so can we just leave him out of this zodiac B.S.? We are not trying to get revenge on him (just him, though) through this.
—Aline G. Damas is the incoming Theatre Arts executive. Her roommate is not Petra, but Gigi. In spite of what is written here, she is a (Belgian) Scorpio with a passion for Literature, Martha Stewart, and Fate. For questions about any of these subjects, including Belgium, you can reach her through telepathy (codeword: Martha).
—Petra Laura Oreskovic is the incoming Campus Arts executive and Aline’s roommate. In spite of what is written here, she is actually a (multi-national) Cancer with a passion for throwing remnants of clay face masks down the Jordans sink while listening to Charli XCX’s feminist anthem “Boys”. For questions about skincare or living with a roommate who won’t stop making kefir in your room. Do not contact her.
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