Arts Vanity: An Unofficial Scientist’s Guide to Careful Caffeination

During my past seven semesters of college, I’ve learned a lot about myself. I’ve learned my stress triggers, how to cope with them, and, maybe most importantly, I’ve learned the bare minimum amount of sleep a human being can get while still lucid enough to turn in a problem set. Caffeine, of course, has been a tried-and-true companion during this time, a true ride-or-die even when the goings get tough. I like to consider myself an expert on the topic. Especially now, writing a senior thesis, carefully-caffeinated concoctions and precise dosage timing has been a real life saver. As a bonus to my sage-like wisdom, I have some musings about what each drink of choice says about you.

Of course, nothing contained herein is medical advice, nor is it based on anything except my own experiences and vibes. Please drink caffeine responsibly. The Mayo Clinic recommends no more than 400 mg per day for an adult.

Black Coffee

First up on this list is my personal favorite, a nice black coffee. Delicious hot or iced based on your vibe or the season, I recommend a black coffee to get the blood flowing in the morning without risking the sugar crash, or simply as a nice treat with breakfast. If this is your go-to, I have to imagine your Spotify Wrapped age was at least 40 — and you’ll find no judgment from me.

Any Espresso Beverage

A latte, americano, or even a mocha is also a solid option to start your day, or a good midday lunch break treat. While the black coffee is strictly utilitarian, I find that an espresso concoction has quite a bit more heart. This tells me almost nothing about you, except that you have good taste and perhaps even a zest for life that caffeine from a can could never match. Espresso drinks make for an excellent choice when you need not just caffeine for the mind, but for the soul.

Red Bull

Apparently drinking Red Bull makes you appear disheveled. I will never forget the time I tastefully cracked open a Red Bull in a seminar room my freshman year — one minute before start time, to avoid the obnoxious crack while the professor was speaking. The guy next to me, latte in hand, turned to me and asked, “Are you okay?” I was too stunned to speak. Wasn’t I okay? I just needed a 3 p.m. pick-me-up. I had a lot to reckon with that afternoon. I’ll never say that the Department of Comparative Literature hasn’t given me anything. This was, by no coincidence, the same class in which a student next to me saw me biting my nails, took my laptop from me, opened Amazon.com, and added non-toxic bitter polish to my cart, all while the professor was lecturing. (If you’re reading this, thank you, I’ve quite nearly kicked the habit.)

I find that a Red Bull can be an important friend in a time of need, optics aside. The standard size cans have 80 mg of caffeine — in my personal experience, not an excessive amount if it’s dire straits. I truly think the stigma is all in the marketing — see Celsius below.

Matcha (and other teas)

I am always skeptical of people who say that they don’t drink coffee. Never in my life have I felt caffeinated by tea, including matcha, which allegedly has similar amounts of caffeine to a cup of coffee. Personally, I’m not buying it. That being said, matcha and other teas as a means for an afternoon pick-me-up strike me as a level of put-together that I will always strive to be. I would subscribe to your influencer TikTok, if only to watch someone pretend they feel energized from a cup of Earl Grey.

Celsius

Celsius is marketed as a health drink. When used as a pre-workout (which does appear to be the intention), I can see the argument. Ingredients-wise, it’s certainly a cut above its competition. Personally, these give me heart palpitations. 200 mg of caffeine might be great if you’re trying to make it through your last few sets, but is overkill for your last few p-sets. If I see you with a Celsius in the library, especially if it’s past 3 p.m., I know you’ve got a long night ahead of you and the last time you closed your eyes was a 5 a.m. nap. I truly cannot recommend this for anything other than your morning workout, but for those nights when you just can’t avoid seeing the sun rise, it sure gets the job done.

—Outgoing Editor-at-Large and incoming elderly retiree Aiden J. Bowers can be reached at [email protected]. If you’re reading this, he’s probably drinking an iced black coffee at 8 p.m. and contemplating the life decisions that led him to this point.