Arts Vanity: How to Out-Film Bro a Film Bro

If you’ve ever had distinct pleasure of meeting a film bro, you’ll notice a few things: They will never utter the word “movie,” only “film.” They will surely mention how Letterboxd has a better UI than Goodreads (and thus, films are better than books). And, of course, their opinions are objectively better than yours. This relies on the “Scorsese Uncertainty Principle”: The more confidently they say something, the truer it becomes. After all, film bros are the arbiters of what true cinema is.

If you’ve ever felt inferior in their presence, don’t worry. With a little training, you too can become insufferable.

‘What’s Your Favorite Movie?’ (A Trap)

A film bro’s favorite icebreaker is the famous, “What’s your favorite movie?” Your instinct might say “Interstellar” or “American Psycho.” Don’t embarrass yourself. Rule of thumb: Choose the nichest film of your favorite director. Because surely, if a director is world-renowned, their least watched film must be their masterpiece. If you were going to say “Inception,” instead say “Insomnia” or — for the advanced student — “Following.” And if you thought to say “Pulp Fiction,” instead go with “Jackie Brown” or “Death Proof.” Don’t worry if you haven’t seen these. Film bros haven’t either.

Longer = Better

A general rule: The longer and more incomprehensible the film, the more brilliant it must be. Ideally, it’s four hours, from a country the average person could not point out on a map, and the director’s cut is twice as long but “essential.” Extra credit if there are no subtitles. Simply say, “I prefer to experience the auteur’s stylo directly.”

If someone brings up an extremely underground film and you can’t out-niche them, pivot: “Sharknado.” “Spy Kids.” These are “post-narrative subversions of cinematic expectation.”

No Such Thing as a Boring Film

Remember: No film is boring. It’s a “slow burn,” a “meditation,” or “a film that bravely refuses to entertain you.” Unless, of course, it’s part of the following genres: action, comedy, romance, or fantasy.

Make Yourself Public

Randomly shout out “Sell me this pen!” in your econ class. If someone gets mad, shout back, “You talkin’ to me?” And feel free to interrupt any conversation with: “Have you seen ‘Breathless’?” It weeds out the weak.

Remember, as a film bro, only you are permitted to speak during a film, so make sure to learn a few key fun facts to blurt out. Did you know that the corn in Interstellar wasn’t CGI? Did you know that each tick on Miller’s planet represents one day on Earth? Good. Make that known.

‘Who is the Greatest Director of All Time?’ (Another Trap)

The correct answer is always a name that sounds vaguely French and vaguely pretentious. “Jean-Claude de la Roche-DuPont,” “Croissant Lumière” — you get the theme. Then say they pioneered something like “elliptical temporal framing” or “subjective diegetic stacking.” No one knows what that means. That’s when you know you’ve come up with something good.

If you must cite a real name, avoid mentioning Denis Villeneuve. “Dune” was far too successful. Rather, mention Céline Sciamma. I know you’ve only seen “Portrait of a Lady on Fire,” but as long as you call it “Portrait de la Jeune Fille en Feu” with very aggressive French, you should be fine. And if you don’t speak French — pourquoi es-tu même ici?

Aren’t You TV Exec?

Exactly — “Succession” is a 40-hour film designed for one sitting. If that already beats your favorite film’s runtime, that’s on you. Try harder.

In Conclusion

In the end, becoming a film bro isn’t about watching movies. It’s about sounding like you have. With practice, you’ll be able to ruin any social gathering with a debate over aspect ratios, alienate friends with your superiority complex, and assert dominance through increasingly obscure references.

And beware, with great power comes great responsibility (that’s Voltaire, not Spiderman).

—Incoming TV Executive Anat Goldstein can be reached at [email protected] for more fun facts on “Interstellar.” Watched a film and are unsure what to think about it? Find correct opinions at @anatgoldstein on Letterboxd.